第69章

"No, how can you? You've never had a chance of seeing any of it.

You'd get sick of me in no time.I'm moody and selfish and bad-tempered.I used to drink a bit too.And I can't be faithful to women.I might think I was going to be faithful to you and swear Iwould be--and then suddenly some one would come along.I thought for a bit I'd just go on with you and see what came of it.You're so unusual, you make me want to be straight with you; but I've seen it wouldn't be fair.I must just slip out of your path and you'll forget me, and then you'll meet a much better man than I and be happy.I'm queer--I have funny moods that last for days and days sometimes.I seem to do every one harm I come in touch with.There's my father now.I love him more than any one in the world, and yet Imake him unhappy all the time.I'm a bad fellow to be with--"He stopped suddenly, looked at her and laughed."It isn't any good, Maggie...You haven't any idea what a sweep I am.You'd hate me if you really knew."She looked steadily back at him."We haven't much time," she said, speaking with steady, calm conviction as though she had, for years, been expecting just such a conversation as this, and had thought out what she would say."Aunt Elizabeth can come back earlier than she said.Perhaps I shall say something I oughtn't to.I don't care.The whole thing is that I love you.I suppose it's true that I don't know anything about men, but I'd be poor enough if my love for you just depended on your loving me back, and on your being good to me and all the rest of it.I've never had any one I could love until you came, but now that you have come it can't be anything that you can do that can alter it.If you were to go away I'd still love you, because it's the love in me that matters, not what I get for it.

Perhaps you'll make me unhappy, but anyway one will be unhappy some of the time."She went up to him and kissed him."I know Caroline Smith or some one would be very shocked if they thought I'd said such things to you, but I can't help what they say."He had a movement to catch her and hold her, but he kept himself off, moved away from her, turning his back to her.

"You don't understand...you don't understand," he repeated.

"You know nothing about men, Maggie, and you know nothing about me.

I tell you I wouldn't be faithful to you, and I'd be drunk sometimes, and I'd have moods for days, when I'd just sulk and not speak to a soul.I think those moods some damned sort of religion when I'm in them, but what they really are is bad temper.You've got to know it, Maggie.I'd be rotten to you, however much I wanted not to be.""That's my own affair," she answered."I can look after myself.And for all the rest, I'm independent and I'll always be independent.

I'll love you whether you're good to me or bad.""Well, then," he suddenly wheeled round to her, "you'd better have it...I'm married already."She took that with a little startled cry.Her eyes searched his face in a puzzled fashion as though she were pursuing the truth.Then she said like a child who sees some toy broken before its eyes:

"Oh, Martin!"

"Yes.Nobody knows--not a soul.It was a mad thing--four years ago in Marseille I met a girl, a little dressmaker there.I went off my head and married her, and then a month later she ran off with a merchant chap, a Greek.I didn't care; we got on as badly as anything...but there you are.No one knows.That's the whole thing, Maggie.I thought at first I wouldn't tell you.I was beginning to care for you too much, as a matter of fact, and then when your uncle asked me to dinner, I told myself I was a fool to go.Then when I saw how you trusted me, I thought I'd be a cad and let it continue, but somehow...you've got an influence over me...You've made me ashamed of things I wouldn't have hesitated about a year ago.And the funny thing is it isn't your looks.I can say things to you I couldn't to other women, and I'll tell you right away that there are lots of women attract me more.And yet I've never felt about any woman as I do about you, that I wanted to be good to her and care for her and love her.It's always whether they loved me that I've thought about...Well, now I've told you, you see that I'd better go, hadn't I? You see...you see."She looked up at him.

"I've got to think.It makes a difference, of course.Can we meet after a week and talk again?""Much better if I don't see you any more.I'll go away altogether--abroad again."

"No--after a week--"

"Much better not."

"Yes.Come here after a week.And if we can't be alone I'll give you a letter somehow...Please, Martin--you must.""Maggie, just think--"

"No--after a week."

"Very well, then," he turned on her fiercely."I've been honest.

I've told you.I've done all I can.If I love you now it isn't my fault."He left the room, not looking at her again.And she stood there, staring in front of her.