第68章

Father thinks they're wrong and so does Mother say she does, although I know she likes them, really; but any way that doesn't matter because I never have a moment to myself--sitting at home sewing, that's the way I spend my days, Mr.Crashaw."It was the very last way she really spent them, as Maggie perfectly well knew.It is not to be supposed that Mr.Crashaw either was deceived.However, he gave a wicked wink with the eye that was least rheumatic and said something about "a beautiful young lady like Miss Smith wasted on sewing and darning," and Caroline smiled and said something about "one day perhaps"--and Aunt Anne looked remotely benevolent.What did she think of all this, Maggie wondered? What did she think of her great preacher, her prophet, wasting the few hours of life that remained to him over such a business? They had some secret understanding, perhaps, as though they said to one another, "We know, you and I, what are our real intentions beneath all this.We only do what we must."Understanding or no, Mr.Crashaw sprang up with unexpected activity when Caroline departed and announced his intention of conducting her to her door.He made his adieus and then hobbled along after the rose-coloured silk as though this was his last chance of warming his hands at the flame of life.

When they were gone, Aunt Anne said:

"I am going back to bed, Maggie, dear.Martha will send me up some supper later.Elizabeth has gone to Lambeth to see a friend, so make yourself busy until seven, dear.If I want anything I'll ring."When she was left alone in the darkening room she stood there thinking.Why should she not go out and find Martin? She did not care what any one thought.She would go to his house and ask for him.She had waited and waited...She wanted him so, she wanted him so desperately!

Then Martha opened the door and announced him, yes, really announced him, saying: "It's young Mr.Warlock, Miss, and he says if your aunts isn't in you'll do.""Ask him to come up, Martha," said Maggie, and then held herself there, rooted, where she stood so that she should not run to him and fling her arms round his neck.She felt at once with that quick perception that was hers, in spite of her ignorance of life, that this was no moment for love-making, and that he wanted something quite other from her.

He closed the door behind him, looked round the room, didn't come to her, but stayed where he was.

"I've been trying to see you all day," he said."How long have we got alone do you think?" She never took her eyes from his face.

"Until seven probably.Aunt Elizabeth's in Lambeth and Aunt Anne's in bed.""That's luck." He drew a breath of relief, then moved over to the fireplace."Maggie, I've come to say we mustn't see one another any more."Some one, some vast figure shadowy behind her, moved suddenly forward and caught her in his arms and his embrace was deadly cold.

She stood where she was, her hands at her side, looking steadfastly at him.

"Why?" she said."Because--because--the fact is, I've been wrong altogether.Maggie, I'm not the sort of man for you to have anything to do with.You don't know much about life yet, do you? I'm about the first man you've ever met, aren't I? If you'd met another man before me, you'd have cared for him as much."She said nothing and he seemed to be confused by her steady gaze, because he looked down and continued to speak as though to himself:

"I knew at once that there was danger in our meeting.With other girls they can look after themselves.One hasn't any responsibility to them.It's their own affair, but you believe every word a fellow says.And if we'd been friends it wouldn't have mattered, but from the very first we weren't that--we were something more.""You were so different from any other girl.I've wanted to be good to you from the beginning, but now I see that if we go on I shall only be bad.It all comes in the end to my being bad--really bad--and I want you to know it." "I don't know," said Maggie, "that I've thought very much whether you're good or bad.And it doesn't matter.

I can look after myself."

"No, you can't," he said vehemently, making a step towards her and then suddenly stopping."That's just it--you can't.I've been thinking all the time since the other evening when we were together, and I've seen that you believe every word I say and you trust me.Idon't mean to tell lies--I don't know that I'm worse than most other men--but I'm not good enough for you to trust in all the same.I've been knocking about for years, and I suppose I've had most of my idealism knocked out of me.Anyway I don't believe in most people, and you still do.I'm not going to be the one to change you.""Perhaps I know more about life than you think," said Maggie.