第155章

You won't be angry? If you tell me, I'll get off?"Alyosha did not speak.He sat afraid to move, he heard her words, "If you tell me, I'll get off," but he did not answer.But there was nothing in his heart such as Rakitin, for instance, watching him malignantly from his corner, might have expected or fancied.The great grief in his heart swallowed up every sensation that might have been aroused, and, if only he could have thought clearly at that moment, he would have realised that he had now the strongest armour to protect him from every lust and temptation.Yet in spite of the vague irresponsiveness of his spiritual condition and the sorrow that overwhelmed him, he could not help wondering at a new and strange sensation in his heart.This woman, this "dreadful" woman, had no terror for him now, none of that terror that had stirred in his soul at any passing thought of woman.On the contrary, this woman, dreaded above all women, sitting now on his knee, holding him in her arms, aroused in him now a quite different, unexpected, peculiar feeling, a feeling of the intensest and purest interest without a trace of fear, of his former terror.That was what instinctively surprised him.

"You've talked nonsense enough," cried Rakitin, "you'd much better give us some champagne.You owe it me, you know you do!""Yes, I really do.Do you know, Alyosha, I promised him champagne on the top of everything, if he'd bring you? I'll have some too! Fenya, Fenya, bring us the bottle Mitya left! Look sharp!

Though I am so stingy, I'll stand a bottle, not for you, Rakitin, you're a toadstool, but he is a falcon! And though my heart is full of something very different, so be it, I'll drink with you.I long for some dissipation.""But what is the matter with you? And what is this message, may I ask, or is it a secret?" Rakitin put in inquisitively, doing his best to pretend not to notice the snubs that were being continually aimed at him.

"Ech, it's not a secret, and you know it, too," Grushenka said, in a voice suddenly anxious, turning her head towards Rakitin, and drawing a little away from Alyosha, though she still sat on his knee with her arm round his neck."My officer is coming, Rakitin, my officer is coming.""I heard he was coming, but is he so near?""He is at Mokroe now; he'll send a messenger from there, so he wrote; I got a letter from him to-day.I am expecting the messenger every minute.""You don't say so! Why at Mokroe?"

"That's a long story, I've told you enough.""Mitya'll be up to something now- I say! Does he know or doesn't he?""He know! Of course he doesn't.If he knew, there would be murder.

But I am not afraid of that now, I am not afraid of his knife.Be quiet, Rakitin, don't remind me of Dmitri Fyodorovitch, he has bruised my heart.And I don't want to think of that at this moment.I can think of Alyosha here, I can look at Alyosha...smile at me, dear, cheer up, smile at my foolishness, at my pleasure....Ah, he's smiling, he's smiling! How kindly he looks at me! And you know, Alyosha, I've been thinking all this time you were angry with me, because of the day before yesterday, because of that young lady.I was a cur, that's the truth....But it's a good thing it happened so.It was a horrid thing, but a good thing too." Grushenka smiled dreamily and a little cruel line showed in her smile."Mitya told me that she screamed out that I 'ought to be flogged.' I did insult her dreadfully.She sent for me, she wanted to make a conquest of me, to win me over with her chocolate....No, it's a good thing it did end like that." She smiled again."But I am still afraid of your being angry.""Yes, that's really true," Rakitin put in suddenly with genuine surprise."Alyosha, she is really afraid of a chicken like you.""He is a chicken to you, Rakitin...because you've no conscience, that's what it is! You see, I love him with all my soul, that's how it is! Alyosha, do you believe I love you with all my soul?""Ah, you shameless woman! She is making you a declaration, Alexey!""Well, what of it, I love him!"

"And what about your officer? And the priceless message from Mokroe?""That is quite different."

"That's a woman's way of looking at it!"

"Don't you make me angry, Rakitin." Grushenka caught him up hotly.

"This is quite different.I love Alyosha in a different way.It's true, Alyosha, I had sly designs on you before.For I am a horrid, violent creature.But at other times I've looked upon you, Alyosha, as my conscience.I've kept thinking 'how anyone like that must despise a nasty thing like me.' I thought that the day before yesterday, as Iran home from the young lady's.I have thought of you a long time in that way, Alyosha, and Mitya knows; I've talked to him about it.Mitya understands.Would you believe it, I sometimes look at you and feel ashamed, utterly ashamed of myself....And how, and since when, Ibegan to think about you like that, I can't say, I don't remember...."Fenya came in and put a tray with an uncorked bottle and three glasses of champagne on the table.

"Here's the champagne!" cried Rakitin."You're excited, Agrafena Alexandrovna, and not yourself.When you've had a glass of champagne, you'll be ready to dance.Eh, they can't even do that properly," he added, looking at the bottle."The old woman's poured it out in the kitchen and the bottle's been brought in warm and without a cork.Well, let me have some, anyway."He went up to the table, took a glass, emptied it at one gulp and poured himself out another.

"One doesn't often stumble upon champagne," he said, licking his lips."Now, Alyosha, take a glass, show what you can do! What shall we drink to? The gates of paradise? Take a glass, Grushenka, you drink to the gates of paradise, too.""What gates of paradise?"

She took a glass, Alyosha took his, tasted it and put it back.

"No, I'd better not," he smiled gently.

"And you bragged!" cried Rakitin.