第156章

"Well, if so, I won't either," chimed in Grushenka, "I really don't want any.You can drink the whole bottle alone, Rakitin.If Alyosha has some, I will.""What touching sentimentality!" said Rakitin tauntingly; "and she's sitting on his knee, too! He's got something to grieve over, but what's the matter with you? He is rebelling against his God and ready to eat sausage....""How so?"

"His elder died to-day, Father Zossima, the saint.""So Father Zossima is dead," cried Grushenka."Good God, I did not know!" She crossed herself devoutly."Goodness, what have I been doing, sitting on his knee like this at such a moment! She started up as though in dismay, instantly slipped off his knee and sat down on the sofa.

Alyosha bent a long wondering look upon her and a light seemed to dawn in his face.

"Rakitin," he said suddenly, in a firm and loud voice; "don't taunt me with having rebelled against God.I don't want to feel angry with you, so you must be kinder, too; I've lost a treasure such as you have never had, and you cannot judge me now.You had much better look at her- do you see how she has pity on me? I came here to find a wicked soul- I felt drawn to evil because I was base and evil myself, and I've found a true sister; I have found a treasure- a loving heart.She had pity on me just now....Agrafena Alexandrovna, I am speaking of you.You've raised my soul from the depths."Alyosha's lips were quivering and he caught his breath.

"She has saved you, it seems," laughed Rakitin spitefully."And she meant to get you in her clutches, do your realise that?""Stay, Rakitin." Grushenka jumped up."Hush, both of you.Now I'll tell you all about it.Hush, Alyosha, your words make me ashamed, for I am bad and not good- that's what I am.And you hush, Rakitin, because you are telling lies.I had the low idea of trying to get him in my clutches, but now you are lying, now it's all different.And don't let me hear anything more from you, Rakitin."All this Grushenka said with extreme emotion.

"They are both crazy," said Rakitin, looking at them with amazement."I feel as though I were in a madhouse.They're both getting so feeble they'll begin crying in a minute.""I shall begin to cry, I shall," repeated Grushenka."He called me his sister and I shall never forget that.Only let me tell you, Rakitin, though I am bad, I did give away an onion.""An onion? Hang it all, you really are crazy."Rakitin wondered at their enthusiasm.He was aggrieved and annoyed, though he might have reflected that each of them was just passing through a spiritual crisis such as does not come often in a lifetime.But though Rakitin was very sensitive about everything that concerned himself, he was very obtuse as regards the feelings and sensations of others- partly from his youth and inexperience, partly from his intense egoism.

"You see, Alyosha," Grushenka turned to him with a nervous laugh."I was boasting when I told Rakitin I had given away an onion, but it's not to boast I tell you about it.It's only a story, but it's a nice story.I used to hear it when I was a child from Matryona, my cook, who is still with me.It's like this.Once upon a time there was a peasant woman and a very wicked woman she was.And she died and did not leave a single good deed behind.The devils caught her and plunged her into the lake of fire.So her guardian angel stood and wondered what good deed of hers he could remember to tell to God; 'She once pulled up an onion in her garden,' said he, 'and gave it to a beggar woman.' And God answered: 'You take that onion then, hold it out to her in the lake, and let her take hold and be pulled out.And if you can pull her out of the lake, let her come to Paradise, but if the onion breaks, then the woman must stay where she is.' The angel ran to the woman and held out the onion to her.'Come,' said he, 'catch hold and I'll pull you out.' he began cautiously pulling her out.He had just pulled her right out, when the other sinners in the lake, seeing how she was being drawn out, began catching hold of her so as to be pulled out with her.But she was a very wicked woman and she began kicking them.'I'm to be pulled out, not you.It's my onion, not yours.' As soon as she said that, the onion broke.And the woman fell into the lake and she is burning there to this day.So the angel wept and went away.So that's the story, Alyosha; I know it by heart, for I am that wicked woman myself.Iboasted to Rakitin that I had given away an onion, but to you I'll say: 'I've done nothing but give away one onion all my life, that's the only good deed I've done.' don't praise me, Alyosha, don't think me good, I am bad, I am a wicked woman and you make me ashamed if you praise me.Eh, I must confess everything.Listen, Alyosha.I was so anxious to get hold of you that I promised Rakitin twenty-five roubles if he would bring you to me.Stay, Rakitin, wait!"She went with rapid steps to the table, opened a drawer, pulled out a purse and took from it a twenty-five rouble note.

"What nonsense! What nonsense!" cried Rakitin, disconcerted.

"Take it.Rakitin, I owe it you, there's no fear of your refusing it, you asked for it yourself." And she threw the note to him.

"Likely I should refuse it," boomed Rakitin, obviously abashed, but carrying off his confusion with a swagger."That will come in very handy; fools are made for wise men's profit.""And now hold your tongue, Rakitin, what I am going to say now is not for your ears.Sit down in that corner and keep quiet.You don't like us, so hold your tongue.""What should I like you for?" Rakitin snarled, not concealing his ill-humour.He put the twenty-five rouble note in his pocket and he felt ashamed at Alyosha's seeing it.He had reckoned on receiving his payment later, without Alyosha's knowing of it, and now, feeling ashamed, he lost his temper.Till that moment he had thought it discreet not to contradict Grushenka too flatly in spite of her snubbing, since he had something to get out of her.But now he, too, was angry: