第15章 "Supposing it is true!"(4)

When they reached the place of their afternoon's encounter, she alluded merrily to what she called the "charge of umbrellas.""Who would have thought, now, that in a few hours' time we should have learned to know each other!" she exclaimed."It has been altogether the very oddest day, a sort of sandwich of good and bad, two bits of the dry bread of persecution, put in between, you and Mr.Osmond and my beautiful new Longfellow."Brian could not help laughing at the simile, and was not a little pleased to hear the reference to his book; but his amusement was soon dispelled by a grim little incident.Just at that minute they happened to pass an undertaker's cart which was standing at the door of one of the houses; a coffin was born across the pavement in front of them.Erica, with a quick exclamation, put her hand on his arm and shrank back to make room for the bearers to pass.

Looking down at her, he saw that she was quite pale.The coffin was carried into the house and they passed on.

"How I do hate seeing anything like that!" she exclaimed.Then looking back and up to the windows of the house: "Poor people! Iwonder whether they are very sad.It seems to make all the world dark when one comes across such things.Father thinks it is good to be reminded of the end, that it makes one more eager to work, but he doesn't even wish for anything after death, nor do any of the best people I know.It is silly of me, but I never can bear to think of quite coming to an end, I suppose because I am not so unselfish as the others.""Or may it not be a natural instinct, which is implanted in all, which perhaps you have not yet crushed by argument."Erica shook her head.

"More likely to be a little bit of one of my covenanting ancestors coming out in me.Still, I own that the hope of the hereafter is the one point in which you have the better of it.Life must seem very easy if you believe that all will be made up to you and all wrong set right after you are dead.You see we have rather hard measure here, and don't expect anything at all by and by.But all the same, I am always rather ashamed of this instinct, or selfishness, or Scottish inheritance, whichever it is!""Ashamed! Why should you be?"

"It is a sort of weakness, I think, which strong characters like my father are without.You see he cares so much for every one, and thinks so much of making the world a little less miserable in this generation, but most of my love is for him and for my mother; and so when I think of death--of their death--" she broke off abruptly.

"Yet do not call it selfishness," said Brian, with a slightly choked feeling, for there had been a depth of pain in Erica's tone.

"My father, who has just that love of humanity of which you speak, has still the most absolute belief in--yes, and longing for--immortality.It is no selfishness in him.""I am sure it is not," said Erica, warmly, "I shouldn't think he could be selfish in any way.I am glad he spoke tonight; it does one good to hear a speech like that, even if one doesn't agree with it.I wish there were a few more clergymen like him, then perhaps the tolerance and brotherliness he spoke of might become possible.

But it must be a long way off, or it would not seem such an unheard-of thing that I should be talking like this to you.Why, it is the first time in my whole life that I have spoken to a Christian except on the most every-day subjects.""Then I hope you won't let it be the last," said Brian.

"I should like to know Mr.Osmond better," said Erica, "for you know it seems very extraordinary to me that a clever scientific man can speak as he spoke tonight.I should like to know how you reconcile all the contradictions, how you can believe what seems to me so unlikely, how even if you do believe in a God you can think Him good while the world is what it is.If there is a good God why doesn't He make us all know Him, and end all the evil and cruelty?"Brian did not reply for a moment.The familiar gas-lit street, the usual number of passengers, the usual care-worn or vice-worn faces passing by, damp pavements, muddy roads, fresh winter wind, all seemed so natural, but to talk of the deepest things in heaven and earth was so unnatural.He was a very reserved man, but looking down at the eager, questioning face beside him his reserve all at once melted.He spoke very quietly, but in a voice which showed Erica that he was, at least, as she expressed it "honestly deluded." Evidently he did from his very heart believe what he said.