第5章 神级回复(1)

1 So Dirty

Teacher： Jim，why do you always get so dirty？

Jim： Well，I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

如此脏

老师：“吉姆，你为什么总是这么脏？”

吉姆：“噢，因为我比你离地面近得多。”。

2 Fortune

A newly‐married man asked his wife，"Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune？"

"Honey，"the woman replied sweetly，"I’d have married you no matter who left you a fortune."

财产

一个新婚男子问妻子：“如果我爸没有留给我一笔财产，你还会和我结婚吗？”

“亲爱的，”女人甜蜜地答道，“无论谁留给你一笔财产，我都愿意嫁给你。”

3 Just Her Choice Give Me a Surprise

Tommy saw an acquaintance taking leave to an elegant and asked，"Is she your fiancee？"

The man asked，"Well，does my choice give you a surprise？"

Tommy answered，"No，just her choice give me a surprise."

让人吃惊的选择

汤米看到一个熟人正在和一位优雅的女士告别，便道：“她是你的未婚妻吗？”

那个人反问道：“噢，我的选择让你吃惊吗？”

汤米回答说：“不，是她的选择让我吃惊。”

4 No Worries

At the swimming pool one day，a child asked his mother，"Mo‐ mmy，mommy，can I go swimming？"

"Certainly not，darling.The water’s much too deep."

"But daddy’s swimming，mommy."

"Your daddy’s insured，sweetheart."

不用担心

在游泳池旁，一个小孩问他妈妈：“妈咪，妈咪，我可不可以下去游泳？”

“亲爱的，当然不可以，水太深了。”

“可是爸爸不是在游泳吗？”

“你爸爸有保险啊，甜心。”

5 The Banker and the Artist

A rich banker begged a well‐known artist to paint for him.The artist did it in less than three minutes and asked for 50，000 pounds."Why，"exclaimed the banker，"it took you only three minutes to do it."

"Yes，"replied the artist，"but it took me thirty years to learn how."

银行家和画家

一个腰缠万贯的银行家请一位着名画家为他画一幅画。画家不到3分钟就画完了，并索要5万英镑。“为什么，”银行家惊叫道，“你只不过才画了3分钟。”

“不错，”画家回答说，“但我花了三十年才学会如何画。”

6 Make Way for a Fool

Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park.As luck would have it，he met with a critic who was hostile to him.

Both of them stopped，staring at each other.Then the critic said，"I will never make way for a fool."

"But I will."with that Goethe retreated aside.

给傻瓜让路

有一次，歌德在公园的一条狭窄的小路上散步，偏偏遇到了一个对他心存敌意的评论家。

他们都停下来看着对方。随后，评论家说：“我从来不会给傻瓜让路。”

“但我会。”说完，歌德退到了一旁。

7 Novels

At a world‐class writing forum，a man chattered to a lady，"I have published 259 novels，and you？"

The lady commented，"You’re really a prolific writer.Unlike you，I only published one novel."

The man asked arrogantly，"What’s the title of your novel？"

"Gone with the wind."

作品

在一次世界级笔会上，一个男的对一位女士喋喋不休地说：“我已经出版了二百五十九部小说，你呢？”

那位女士评价说：“你真是个多产作家。我不像你，只出版了一部小说。”

那个男的傲慢地问道：“书名是什么？”

“《乱世佳人》。”

8 Use My Phone

A high‐powered executive was speeding down a Detroit street，talking on his car phone.The police soon pulled him over.

The executive completed his call and looked up at the officer."Yes？"he said.

"I bet you don’t even know why I stopped you！"the officer replied.

"You want to use my phone？"said the executive.

用我的电话

一位精力充沛的经理一边打车载电话一边在底特律的大街上超速行驶。警察很快就让他靠边停了下来。

经理挂了电话，抬头看着警官。“有什么事吗？”他问。

“我敢说你都不知道我为什么叫你停下来！”警官答道。

“你是想用我的电话吧？”经理说。

9 Pancakes and Pizza

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition."the doctor told his patient，"We’re going to put you in an isolation ward，where you’ll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition？"

"No."replied the doctor，"They’re the only things we can slip under the door."

煎饼和比萨

“你患了非常罕见、极其严重的传染病。”医生对病人说，“我们打算把你送到隔离病房，你在那里要以煎饼和比萨饼为食。”

“煎饼和比萨饼能治好我的病吗？”

“不能。”医生回答说，“只有这两样东西我们能从门下塞过去。”

10 Pull Over

A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist.

"Don’t you know what the blinking lights and siren mean？"he demanded.

"Yes，sir."replied the driver.

"Then why didn’t you pull over immediately？"

"I would have，officer."the man said，"But last month my wife ran off with a policeman，and I was afraid you were bringing her back."

停车

一名公路巡警拦住一个超速行驶的摩托车手。“难道你不知道警灯闪烁和警笛鸣响意味着什么吗？”他厉声问道。

“知道，先生。”司机回答说。

“那你为什么不马上停车？”

“我本来想停，”那个人说，“但上个月我的妻子和一名警察私奔了，我怕你把她送回来。”

11 How Much Is Two plus Two

The city council was interviewing an applicant for the position of city manager.One council member asked the candidate，"How much is two plus two？"

The applicant jumped up，opened the door and peered up and down the hall.Then he closed all the window blinds，returned to the desk and whispered，"How much do you want it to be？"

He was hired on the spot.

2加2等于多少

市议会在面试一名应聘市执行长的人。一名议员问候选人：“2加2等于多少？”

应聘者跳起来，打开门，向走廊里看了看，然后拉上所有的窗帘，回到办公桌边低声说：“你想要它是多少？”

他被当场录用。

12 I Can’t Afford Them

Picasso’s paintings have been recognized by the world.

One day，some good friends came to Picasso’s house.

They found that on the wall were all the other artists’works，but there was no his own.

"Why，Pablo？"someone asked，"don’t you like your painting？"

"No，just the opposite，"the painter said，"I’m very fond of my own works，but they’re too expensive，so I cannot afford them."

我买不起

毕加索的绘画已经得到世人公认。

有一天，一些好友到毕加索家里做客时，发现墙上挂着的全是别人的作品，他自己的一幅也没有。

“为什么，巴勃罗？”有人问，“你不喜欢自己的画吗？”

“不是，恰好相反，”画家说，“我非常喜欢，但太贵了，我买不起。”

13 I’ll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door，talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on，miss！"he shouted，"Shut the door，please！"

"Oh，I just want to kiss my sister good‐bye."she called back.

"You just shut that door，please，"called the guard，"and I’ll see to the rest."

剩下的我来做

列车长正要发出火车启动的信号，突然看见站台上有一位迷人的小姐站在打开的车门边，跟车厢里的另一位漂亮小姐在说话。

“快点儿，小姐！”他喊道，“请把车门关上！”

“噢，我想跟我妹妹吻别。”她喊道。

“你只管把门关上就行了，”列车长大声说道，“剩下的我来做。”

14 Fake Money

Ted went into a shop，took a toy tank，gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.So，the shopkeeper told him，"Excuse me，little boy，this isn’t real money."

Little Ted didn’t reply，continuing walking out of the shop.The shopkeeper repeated himself，but Ted kept walking.The third time the shopkeeper called him，"I’m sorry，young man，but this is not real money."

Ted looked at the tank in his hands，and looked at the shopkeeper，finally said，"And this isn’t a real tank，either."

假钱

泰德进了一家商店，拿了一个玩具坦克，给了店主假钱就走。于是店主告诉他：“不好意思，孩子，这钱是假的。”

小泰德没有回答，继续往外走。店主重复自己的话，但泰德继续走。第三次店主叫住他：“对不起，年轻人，这不是真钱。”

泰德看看手里的坦克，又看看店主。最后说：“可这也不是真坦克呀。”