第1章 要想采蜜，就不要踢翻蜂巢
1931年5月7日，在纽约市发生了一场有史以来最让人震惊的剿匪事件。经过好几个星期的侦察，“双枪手”科洛雷——一个烟酒不沾的凶手——陷入了重围，被包围在西尾街他情人的公寓中。
150名警察和侦探包围了他在顶楼的藏身之处。他们在屋顶上打了个洞，试图使用催泪瓦斯将这位“杀害警察的人”熏出来。然后他们在四周的建筑物上架起了机关枪，在一个多小时里，在纽约这个环境优美的住宅小区中，手枪和机关枪声持续不断。科洛雷躲在一张堆满了杂物的椅子后面，不断地向警察开火。一万多名惊恐万状的老百姓目击了这场枪战。在纽约的人行道上还从来没有出现过这种情况。
在科洛雷被抓到的时候，警察总监马洛尼说：这位暴徒是纽约有史以来最危险的罪犯之一。“他杀人，”总监说，“连眼睛都不眨一下。”
但是“双枪手”科洛雷又是如何看待自己的呢？这一点我们已经知道了，因为在警察朝他的公寓开火的时候，他写了一封公开信。在写这封信时，鲜血从他的伤口涌了出来，染红了信纸。他在信中说：“在我的衣服之下是一颗疲惫的
do nobody any harm.”
A short time before this, Crowley had been having a necking party with his girl friend on a country road out on Long Island. Suddenly a policeman walked up to the car and said, “Let me see your license.”
Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead. As the dying officer fell, Crowley leaped out of the car, grabbed the officer's revolver, and fired another bullet into the prostrate body. And that was the killer who said, “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.”
Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived at the death house in Sing Sing, did he say, “This is what I get for killing people”? No, he said:“This is what I get for defending myself.”
The point of the story is this, “Two Gun” Crowley didn't blame himself for anything.
Is that an unusual attitude among criminals? If you think so, listen to this:
“I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”
That's Al Capone speaking. Yes, America's most notorious Public Enemy—the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up Chicago. Capone didn't condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor—an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.
And so did Dutch Schultz before he crumpled up under gangster bullets in Newark. Dutch Schultz, one of New York's most notorious rats, said in a newspaper interview that
心，但这颗心是仁慈的——它不会伤害任何人。”
此前不久，科洛雷在长岛的一条乡村公路上和他的女友调情。突然有一个警察朝他的汽车走过来说：“让我看看你的驾照。”
科洛雷二话不说就拔出了手枪，向那位警察连开几枪。当警察倒地之后，科洛雷跳出汽车，抓起警察的枪，又朝着俯卧的尸体连开数枪。这就是那位声称“在我的衣服之下是一颗疲惫的心，但这颗心是仁慈的——它不会伤害任何人”的凶手。
科洛雷被判坐电椅处死。当他被押到星星监狱死刑室时，他是否说过“这就是因为杀人而得到的下场”呢？没有，他说的是：“这就是我为了保卫自己而得到的结果。”
可见，“双枪手”科洛雷并没有觉得自己有任何不对的地方。
这是犯罪分子一种不寻常的态度吗？如果你是这样想的，请听这段话：
“我将我一生中最美好的时光，都奉献给了为别人提供轻松的娱乐，帮助他们得到快乐上。而我所得到的只是耻辱，一种被捕者的生活。”
这就是阿尔·卡普的自白。是的，他是美国最臭名昭著的公敌——一位横行于芝加哥的凶狠的匪徒。他从不责怪自己。他真的自以为是一个对公众有益的大好人——一个不被人们感激，反而被人误会的大好人。
he was a public benefactor. And he believed it.
I have had some interesting correspondence with Lewis Lawes, who was warden of New York's infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, on this subject, and he declared that “few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger.Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”
If A1 Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the desperate men and women behind prison walls don't blame themselves for anything—what about the people with whom you and I come in contact?
John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once confessed, “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”
Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
B. F.Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it
苏尔兹，纽约最臭名昭著的罪犯之一，当他在纽瓦克被匪徒枪击倒地之前，也是这样的。在一次和新闻记者的谈话中，他声称自己是一个对大众有恩的人。而且他对此深信不疑。
就此问题，我曾和星星监狱的监狱长刘易斯进行过几次有趣的通信。他说：“在星星监狱，几乎没有哪个罪犯会认为自己是坏人。他们和你我一样，同样是人。因此他们会为自己辩护和解释。他们会告诉你为什么他们必须撬开保险箱，为什么会扣动扳机。而且他们大多数人都有意识地以一种错误的逻辑来为自己的反社会行为作辩护，都坚称自己不应该被关入监狱。”
如果阿尔·卡普、“双枪手”科洛雷、苏尔兹以及监狱中的那些亡命之徒，他们都毫不自责，那么我们所接触的人又如何呢？
华纳梅克百货公司的创始人约翰·华纳梅克曾经承认：“我在30年前就已经明白，批评别人是愚蠢的。我并不埋怨上帝对智慧的分配不均，因为要克服自己的缺陷都已经非常困难了。”
华纳梅克早就领悟到了这一点，但是我自己在这个古老的世界中探索了30多年，才有所醒悟：一个人不论做错了什么事，100次中有99次不会自责。
世界著名心理学家史京纳用实验证明，一只动物如果在学习方面表现良好就可以得到奖励，要比学习不好就受到斥责的动物学得更快，而且能够记住所学的东
learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.”
The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.
George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for an engineering company. One of his responsibilities is to see that employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported that whenever he came across workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority of the regulation and that they must comply. As a result he would get sullen acceptance, and often after he left, the workers would remove the hats.
He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.
You will find examples of the futility of criticism bristling on a thousand pages of history. Take, for example, the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft—a quarrel that split the Republican party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War and altered
西。进一步研究还显示，人类有同样的情况。我们采取批评的方法并不能使别人永久改变，相反只会引起嫉恨。
另一位伟大的心理学家席勒也说道：“我们总是渴望赞扬，同样我们也害怕指责。”
批评所引起的嫉恨，只会降低员工、家人以及朋友的士气和情感，同时指责的事情也不会有任何改善。
俄克拉荷马州的乔治·约翰逊是一家工程公司的安全检查员，其职责之一就是检查工人在野外工作时戴没戴安全帽。他说，每当他看见工人不戴安全帽时，他就会以权威的口气命令工人必须改正。结果工人很不高兴，常常是他一走开，工人就会摘掉帽子。
他决定改变方式。当他再次看到工人不戴安全帽时，就会问是否是戴帽子不舒服，或者是不合适。然后他又以愉快的口气提醒工人，安全帽是保护他们不受伤害的，并建议工人在工作时戴上安全帽。这样的效果大大增加，再也没有抵触或不高兴的工人了。
批评毫无益处，你会发现这种例子在历史上多得是。例如在西奥多·罗斯福和塔夫脱总统之间就有一场著名的争论——这场争论分裂了共和党，使威尔逊入主白宫，并在第一次世界大战中写下了辉煌的一页。让我们来简单地回顾这一情
the flow of history.Let's review the facts quickly. When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he supported Taft, who was elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded. He denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure the nomination for a third term himself, formed the Bull Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P. In the election that followed, William Howard Taft and the Republican party carried only two states—Vermont and Utah. The most disastrous defeat the party had ever known.
Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame himself? Of course not, with tears in his eyes, Taft said, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
Who was to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care. The point I am trying to make is that all of Theodore Roosevelt's criticism didn't persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
Or, take the Teapot Dome oil scandal. It kept the newspapers ringing with indignation in the early 1920s. It rocked the nation! Within the memory of living men, nothing like it had ever happened before in American public life.Here are the bare facts of the scandal: Albert B.Fall, Secretary of the interior in Harding's cabinet, was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome—oil reserves that had been set aside for the future use of the Navy.Did Secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He handed the fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward L.Doheny. And what did Doheny do? He gave Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call
况：1908年，当西奥多·罗斯福总统走出白宫的时候，他让塔夫脱当了总统，自己则去非洲猎狮。当他回来的时候，暴跳如雷。他批评塔夫脱总统过于保守，试图使自己第三次当选总统，就组建了一个公麋党。但是这几乎毁了共和党。在这次选举中，塔夫脱和共和党只得到两个州的选票——佛蒙特州和犹他州。这是共和党的空前惨败。
西奥多·罗斯福责怪塔夫脱，但是塔夫脱对自己是否责怪呢？当然没有，而是眼中饱含着泪水为自己辩解道：“我不知道我怎样做才能够和以前有所不同。”
这件事得怪谁呢？是罗斯福，还是塔夫脱？老实说我也不知道，而且我也不用去管它。现在我要指出来的是，西奥多·罗斯福所有的批评都不能让塔夫脱承认自己错了。这只能让塔夫脱竭力为自己辩护，而且眼中饱含着泪水说：“我不知道我怎样做才能够和以前有所不同。”
或者再拿“茶壶盖油田”舞弊案来说吧。大家还记得这个案子吗？舆论为此批评了许多年，整个国家都为之震惊。在这代人的记忆中，在美国政坛上还没有出现过这类丑闻。这桩赤裸裸的丑闻是这样的：哈定总统的内政部长弗尔负责主管政府在阿尔克山丘和茶壶盖地区油田的出租——这块油田是保留给海军将来使用的。弗尔部长是不是进行了公开招标呢？没有。他干脆把这份优厚的合同交给了他的朋友杜亨尼。而杜亨尼干了些什么呢？他给了弗尔部长10万美元的“贷款”。
a “loan” of one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off their ground at the ends of guns and bayonets, rushed into court—and blew the lid off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it mined the Harding Administration, nauseated an entire nation, threatened to wreck the Republican party, and put Albert B.Fall behind prison bars.
Fall was condemned viciously—condemned as few men in public life have ever been. Did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a public speech that President Harding's death had been due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him. When Mrs.Fall heard that, she sprang from her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed, “What! Harding betrayed by Fall? No! My husband never betrayed anyone. This whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified.”
There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves. We are all like that. So when you and I are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow, let's remember Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley and Albert Fall.Let's realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.Let's realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say, “I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
On the morning of April 15，1865, Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a hall bedroom of a
然后，弗尔部长又令美国海军进入该区，以高压手段把那些竞争者赶走，免得他们位于周围的油井吸干阿尔克山丘的原油。这些竞争者被强行赶走了，他们只好走上法庭，揭发茶壶盖油田舞弊案。结果这件事的影响非常恶劣，几乎毁了哈定总统的政府，使整个国家极其反感，共和党也几乎垮台，弗尔部长则锒铛入狱。
弗尔部长遭到了公众的谴责，以前很少有公众人物遭到这样的谴责。他反悔了吗？没有！许多年以后，胡佛总统在一次公开演讲中暗示哈定总统之死是由于精神刺激和忧虑，因为一个朋友出卖了他。弗尔的夫人听到后，从椅子上跳了起来，她大叫大嚷，攥紧了拳头尖叫道：“什么？哈定是被弗尔出卖的吗？不，我的丈夫从来没有辜负过任何人。即使这整个房间都堆满了黄金，都不会让我的丈夫干任何蠢事。他是被人出卖而被钉上十字架的。”
你看，这就是人类的天性！做错了事的人只知道责怪别人，绝不会责怪自己。我们都是这样。因此，当你和我以后想要批评别人的时候，请记住阿尔·卡普、“双枪手”科洛雷和弗尔。我们要明白，批评就好比家养的鸽子，它们总是要飞回家的。我们还应该清楚，我们所要纠正和指责的人总是会为他们作自我辩护，并反过来指责我们；或者他们会像温和的塔夫脱总统那样，会说：“我不知道我该怎样做才能和以前有所不同。”
1865年4月15日早晨，林肯奄奄一息地躺在福特戏院对面一家简陋公寓的卧
cheap lodging house directly across the street from Ford's Theater, where John Wilkes Booth had shot him.Lincoln's long body lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was too short for him. A cheap reproduction of Rosa Bonheur's famous painting The Horse Fair hung above the bed, and a dismal gas jet flickered yellow light.
As Lincoln lay dying, Secretary of War Stanton said, “There lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen.”
What was the secret of Lincoln's success in dealing with people? I studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe I have made as detailed and exhaustive a study of Lincoln's personality and home life as it is possible for any being to make. I made a special study of Lincoln's method of dealing with people.Did he indulge in criticism? Oh, yes. As a young man in the Pigeon Creek Valley of Indiana, he not only criticized but he wrote letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roads where they were sure to be found. One of these letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime.
Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers. But he did this just once too often.
In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in the Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter.Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.Lincoln didn't want to fight. He was opposed
室中，他在戏院遭到了布思的枪袭。林肯那瘦长的身躯斜躺在一张松垮的床上，这床对他来说太小了。在床的上方挂的是波纳尔的名画《马市》的廉价复制品，一盏煤气灯散发出惨淡的黄晕光圈。
就在林肯即将咽气时，陆军部长史丹顿说：“这里躺着的，是人类有史以来最完美的元首。”
林肯为人处世的成功秘诀是什么呢？我曾花了10年时间研究林肯的一生，并用了整整3年时间撰写和修改了一本名叫《世人所未知的林肯》的书。我相信我已尽了一切可能，对林肯的性格及家庭生活作了详细透彻的研究。而对于林肯的为人处世之道，我更是作了特殊研究。他是否喜欢动不动就批评别人？是的，确实是这样。在他年轻的时候住在印第安纳的鸽溪谷时，他不仅喜欢指责别人，还写信作诗来挖苦别人，把这些信扔在一定会被人发现的路上。其中有一封信竟致使对方终生都痛恨他。
即使林肯在伊利诺伊州的斯普林菲尔德镇当上律师之后，他还在报纸上发表文章，公开攻击他的对手。不过这也给他带来了不少麻烦。
1842年秋天，林肯在《斯普林菲尔德日报》发表了一封匿名信，讥讽一位自高自大的政客詹姆斯·谢尔兹。所有读过它的人都捧腹大笑。谢尔兹是个敏感而自负的人，他一查出是谁写的这封信之后，恼怒万分，立即跳上马去找林肯，提出
to dueling, but he couldn't get out of it and save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but, at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel.
That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln's life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.
Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each one in turn—McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Me ade—blundered tragically and drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, “with malice toward none, with charity for all,” held his peace. One of his favorite quotations was “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied, “Don't criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
Yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize, surely it was Lincoln. Let's take just one illustration:
The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July 1863.During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found
要和他决斗。林肯不想打架，反对决斗，但为了保全面子只好接受决斗的要求。对手让他选择武器。由于林肯双臂较长，他就选择了骑兵用的长剑，并向西点军校一位毕业生学剑术。决斗那天，他和谢尔兹在密西西比河的一个沙滩上对峙，准备决战至死。但就在决斗即将开始的最后一分钟，他们的同伴阻止了这场决斗。
这是林肯人生当中最难堪的一件事之一。这给他在为人处世方面上了宝贵的一课。从此以后，他再也没有写过任何侮辱他人的信，也不再讥笑别人了。从那时起，他不再因为任何事而批评别人。
在美国内战期间，林肯屡屡委派新的将领统帅波多马克的军队作战，麦克里兰、波普、伯恩塞德、胡克、米德——全都相继惨败。这使得林肯在房间里绝望地来回走动。全国有一半的人都在痛骂这些不中用的将军，但林肯却始终一声不吭，不作任何表态。他最喜欢引用的一句格言是“不要议论别人，别人才不会议论你”。
当林肯夫人和其他人都在非议南方佬时，林肯回答道：“不要批评他们。如果我们处在和他们同样的情况下，也会跟他们一样的。”
可是如果说谁有资格批评的话，这个人肯定是林肯。我们来看一个例子：
葛底斯堡战役发生在1863年7月的头3天。7月4日晚，南方的李将军开始向南撤退。当时乌云笼罩，大雨倾盆而下。当李将军率领败军之师退到波多马克时，
a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him.Lee was in a trap. He couldn't escape.Lincoln saw that.Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity—the opportunity to capture Lee's army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of high hope, Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately.Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate action.
And what did General Meade do? He did the very opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln's orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. He telegraphed all manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee.Finally the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces.
Lincoln was furious, “What does this mean?” Lincoln cried to his son Robert.“Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself.”
In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.
My dear General，
I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee's escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our
一条大河拦住了去路，难以通行；而在他身后则是乘胜追击的北方联军。李将军已经被围困了，无路可逃。林肯看到这正是天赐良机——可以俘获李将军的军队并立即结束战争。于是他满怀希望地命令米德将军，不必召开军事会议，而是立即进攻李将军。林肯用电报下命令，又派出特使，要求立即行动。
而米德将军又是怎么做的呢？他所做的与林肯命令的恰恰相反。他违背了林肯的命令，召开了一次军事会议。他一再拖延，犹豫不决。他还打电话以各种借口来解释，他甚至一口回绝了进攻李将军。最后，河水退却，李将军和他的军队从波多马克逃走了。
林肯异常恼怒。“这是什么意思？”林肯朝儿子罗伯特大声叫嚷，“天啊！这是什么意思？敌军已落入我们掌心，只需一伸手，他们就会完蛋了！但我不论说什么做什么，却不能让军队前进一步。在这种形势下，几乎任何一位将军都能击败李将军。如果我在那里，我自己就可以消灭他！”
在痛苦失望之余，林肯坐下来给米德将军写了封信。要记住，林肯这时已经非常克制自己的脾气了。因此林肯这封写于1863年的信算是最严厉的斥责了。
我亲爱的将军：
我想你肯定体会不到李将军的逃脱所带来的严重不幸。本来他已经处于我们的绝对掌控之中，如果抓住了他，再加上最近我们在其他方面的胜利，战争就可以结束
other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few—no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed measurably because of it.
What do you suppose Meade did when he read the letter?
Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found among his papers after his death.
My guess is—and this is only a guess—that after writing that letter, Lincoln looked out of the window and said to himself, “Just a minute. Maybe I ought not to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack; but if I had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much blood as Meade has seen during the last week, and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying, maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade's timid temperament, perhaps I would have done just what he had done. Anyhow, it is water under the bridge now. If I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness as a commander, and perhaps force him to resign from the army.”
So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.
Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as President, was confronted with a perplexing
了。可是现在，战争恐怕会无限期拖延。假如你不能在上周一成功地击败李将军，你又怎么能在渡河之后进攻他？因为那时你手中的兵力可能不到现在的2/3。期盼你会成功是不明智的，我已不再期盼你会做得更好。你已经失去了大好时机，我深感痛惜。
你猜猜米德读了这封信后会是什么反应？
结果米德一直没有看到这封信，因为林肯并没有将它寄出去。林肯遇刺身亡后，从他的文件中找到了这封信。
我猜想——这仅仅是猜想——林肯在写完这封信后，向窗外远望，自言自语道：“等等。也许我不该这么着急。我坐在这宁静的白宫中，命令米德进攻是件很容易的事；但我当时如果到了葛底斯堡，如果我也和米德一样上周见过遍地鲜血，如果我的耳边也听到了伤亡士兵的哀号和呻吟，也许我不会急着进攻了。如果我的性格和米德一样柔弱，我的做法可能会与他相同。无论如何，现在生米已经煮成熟饭了。如果我寄出这封信，固然可以发泄我的不快，但米德不会为自己辩护吗？他甚至会反过来斥责我。这将会产生厌恶心理，损害他的军队统帅的威信，甚至会使他干脆辞职不干了。”
于是，就像我上面所说的，林肯将信放在一边，因为他已从痛苦的经验中体会到：尖刻的批评和斥责是无济于事的。
罗斯福总统曾说，在他当总统时，只要碰到难以解决的问题，他总是往后一
problem, he used to lean back and look up at a large painting of Lincoln which hung above his desk in the White House and ask himself, “What would Lincoln do if he were in my shoes? How would he solve this problem?”
The next time we are tempted to admonish somebody, let's pull a five-dollar bill out of our pocket, look at Lincoln's picture on the bill, and ask “How would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it?”
Mark Twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote letters that turned the paper brown. For example, he once wrote to a man who had aroused his ire:“The thing for you is a burial permit. You have only to speak and I will see that you get it.” On another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader's attempts to “improve my spelling and punctuation.” He ordered:“Set the matter according to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain.”
The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better. They allowed him to blow off steam, and the letters didn't do any real harm, because Mark's wife secretly lifted them out of the mail. They were never sent.
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous.“Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof,” said Zhang Fengyi, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
When I was still young and trying hard to impress people, I wrote a foolish letter to Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary horizon of
靠，抬头仰望他白宫办公室墙上挂着的林肯巨幅画像，问他自己：“如果林肯处在我的困境中，他会怎么办？他将怎么解决这个问题？”
当你下次想要批评某人的时候，就从口袋中掏出一张5美元的钞票来，凝视上面的林肯头像，然后问：“如果林肯遇到这种问题，他会如何处理呢？”
马克·吐温常常会大发脾气，写的信足以烧掉信纸。例如，他有一次写信给一位让他生气的人：“你想要得到的应该是死亡入葬书。只要你开口，我一定会帮你搞到。”又有一次他写信给一位编辑，提到有一位校对人员企图“改正我的拼写和标点”，他以命令的口气写道：“以后这种情况必须按我的底稿做，而且让那位校对员把他的建议留在他那已经腐烂的脑壳里。”
写这种令人痛苦的信使马克·吐温感到很爽快，这样他的怒气也出来了，这些信也不会造成任何真实伤害，因为他的夫人早已在寄信的时候把信悄悄拿走了，信根本就没有寄出去。
你是否想劝你所认识的人改掉一些不好的习惯？这可真是太好了，我非常赞同。但是为什么不先从你自己开始呢？从纯粹自私的角度而言，那也比改进别人要收益更大——而且所冒的风险也会小许多。张凤翼就说过：“各人自扫门前雪，休管他人瓦上霜。”
当我还很年轻时，很想在人面前表现自我。我曾给查哈丁·戴维斯——一位曾
America. I was preparing a magazine article about authors, and I asked Davis to tell me about his method of work. A few weeks earlier, I had received a letter from someone with this notation at the bottom:“Dictated but not read.” I was quite impressed. I felt that the writer must be very big and busy and important. I wasn't the slightest bit busy, but I was eager to make an impression on Richard Harding Davis, so I ended my short note with the words:“Dictated but not read.”
He never troubled to answer the letter. He simply returned it to me with this scribbled across the bottom:“Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners.” True, I had blundered, and perhaps I deserved this rebuke. But, being human, I resented it. I resented it so sharply that when I read of the death of Richard Harding Davis ten years later, the one thought that still persisted in my mind—I am ashamed to admit—was the hurt he had given me.
If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism—no matter how certain we are that it is justified.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of fiction.Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.
Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling
在美国文坛红得发紫的作家写了一封愚蠢的信。当时我正准备给某家杂志社写一篇关于作家的文章，我就请戴维斯告诉我他的写作方法。在此之前几个星期，我曾收到一封信，信的末尾写道：“口述信，未曾读过。”我觉得这种办法很好，认为写这封信的人一定是个了不起的大忙人。尽管我一点都不忙，但我迫切地想给戴维斯留下深刻的印象，就在短信的末尾写上了“口述信，未曾读过”的字样。
但是戴维斯根本没有给我回信。他只是将信退回给我，并在下面草草写了几个字：“态度倨傲，无以复加。”我确实是弄巧成拙了，这也是我自作聪明所应得的斥责。但我当时对此却不以为然，甚至深怀厌恨，以至于10年后我得知戴维斯的死讯时，心里所想到的仍然是他对我的伤害——虽然我羞于承认！
因此，如果你我想要激起怨恨，让人怀恨几十年，至死才消失的话，那么只需说些恶毒的批评之语就可以了——不论我们多么肯定这些话本身是多么合理。
与人相处时，一定要切记：与我们交往的不是理性的生物，而是充满了感情的，带有偏见、傲慢和虚荣的人。
刻薄的批评曾使得英国大文学家、敏感的托马斯·哈代永远放弃了小说创作；批评还促使英国诗人托马斯·卡德登自杀。
本杰明·富兰克林青年时期并不是很聪明伶俐，但后来却变得非常精明能干，结果被委任为美国驻法大使。他成功的秘诀是什么？“我不愿意说任何人的
people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success?“I will speak ill of no man,” he said，“... and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
Bob Hoover, a famous test pilot and frequent performer at air shows, was returning to his home in Los Angeles from an air show in San Diego. As described in the magazine Flight Operations, at three hundred feet in the air, both engines suddenly stopped. By deft maneuvering he managed to land the plane, but it was badly damaged although nobody was hurt.
Hoover's first act after the emergency landing was to inspect the airplane's fuel. Just as he suspected, the World War II propeller plane he had been flying had been fueled with jet fuel rather than gasoline.
Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic who had serviced his airplane. The young man was sick with the agony of his mistake.Tears streamed down his face as Hoover approached. He had just caused the loss of a very expensive plane and could have caused the loss of three lives as well.
You can imagine Hoover's anger. One could anticipate the tongue-lashing that this proud and precise pilot would unleash for that carelessness. But Hoover didn't scold the mechanic; he didn't even criticize him. Instead, he put his big arm around the man's shoulder and said, “To show you I'm sure that you'll never do this again, I want you to
坏话，”他说，“……只说我所认识的每个人的一切优点。”
任何傻子都会批评、指责和抱怨——而且大多数傻子也正是这样做的。
要了解和宽容别人，就要有良好的品德和自我克制。
“伟人之所以伟大，”卡莱尔说，“就是通过对待卑微者的方式来体现的。”
鲍伯·胡佛是一位著名的试飞员，常常在各种航空展览中作飞行表演。有
一天，他在圣地亚哥航空展中表演完飞行后，朝洛杉矶家中飞回。正如《飞行作业》杂志所描述的那样，当飞机飞到300英尺（1尺寸约为0.3米）的高度时，两具引擎突然熄灭了。幸亏胡佛的技术娴熟，他驾驶飞机着了陆，虽然飞机严重毁坏，所幸无人受伤。
胡佛在飞机迫降之后所做的第一件事，就是检查飞机的燃料。结果正如他预料的那样，他所驾驶的这架二战时期的螺旋桨飞机里面装的竟然是喷气机燃油，而不是汽油。
胡佛回机场后，要求见为他的飞机做保养的机械师。这个年轻人还在为他所犯的错误而难过不已呢。当胡佛向他走去的时候，他泪流满面。他使一架昂贵的飞机受到了损坏，还差点要了3个人的性命。
你可以想象胡佛的愤怒，并猜想这位荣誉心极强、做事认真的飞行员一定会痛斥机械师的粗心大意。然而，胡佛并没有责骂他，甚至连一句批评的话都没有说。相反，他伸出双手，抱住这位机械师的肩膀，说道：“为了表明我相信你不
service my F-51 tomorrow.”
Often parents are tempted to criticize their children. You would expect me to say “don't.” But I will not, I am merely going to say, “Before you criticize them, read one of the classics of American journalism，‘Father Forgets.'” It originally appeared as an editorial in the People's Home Journal. We are reprinting it here with the author's permission, as condensed in the Reader's Digest:
“Father Forgets” is one of those little pieces which—dashed off in a moment of sincere feeling—strikes an echoing chord in so many readers as to become a perennial reprint favorite. Since its first appearance, “Father Forgets has been reproduced,” writes the author, W.Livingston Lamed, “in hundreds of magazines and house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has been reprinted almost as extensively in many foreign languages. I have given personal permission to thousands who wished to read it from school, church, and lecture platforms. It has been‘on the air’on countless occasions and programs.Oddly enough, college periodicals have used it, and high-school magazines. Sometimes a little piece seems mysteriously to‘click’. This one certainly did.”
FATHER FORGETS W. Livingston Lamed
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.Guiltily I came to your bedside.
会再犯错误，我要你明天再给我的F-51飞机做保养。”
许多父母动不动就批评他们的孩子。你一定以为我会说“不要批评”。但我并不想这么说，而是说“在你批评孩子之前，请先读一读《父亲错了》这篇美国典型的新闻教育文章。”这篇文章最初发表在《家庭纪事》的社论栏。经过作者同意，我按照《读者文摘》的节写版，将它放在下面。
这是篇小短文，是在一时的内心冲动之下写出来的，但它却打动了许多读者，以至于成为众人都喜欢的一再被转载的文章。这篇文章首次发表之后，作者利文斯登·拉米德说：“全美国成百上千家报纸杂志和家庭组织都刊登过，在国外也差不多如此。我自己也允许过好几千人在学校、教堂和演讲台上宣读这篇文章。它还被电视和收音机转播或广播过无数次。令人奇怪的是，大学刊物转载它，中学刊物也转载。有时，一篇小文章竟能够深深地引起人们的共鸣。这篇文章确实产生了这样的效果。”
父亲错了
利文斯登·拉米德
听着，儿子：我想在你熟睡的时候和你说上几句。你躺在床上，小手按在脸颊上，湿湿的金黄色卷发粘在你那出了些许汗水的额头上。我刚才一个人悄悄地走进你的房间。当我几分钟以前在书房读报时，突然感到十分懊悔。我是怀着愧疚之心来到你床边的。
There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy,” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive—and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.“What is it you want?” I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of
我的儿子，我想到了许许多多的事情：我对你确实太粗暴了。在你穿衣服上学的时候我会呵斥你，因为你只是用毛巾随便擦了把脸；在你没有擦干净鞋子的时候，我也会对你大发雷霆；当你把东西丢在地板上时，我又会冲着你怒吼。
在早餐时，我又发现了你的毛病：你把食物溅在了桌上，吃饭时没有一点修养，还把胳膊肘放在桌子上，甚至在面包上涂了厚厚的一层黄油。当你出门去玩，而我要去赶火车的时候，你转身朝我挥挥手，响亮地说：“爸爸再见！”可是我却皱着眉头告诉你：“挺起胸膛！”
晚上，一切又重新开始。我在路上就看见你跪在地上打弹珠，你的长筒袜子磨出了好几个洞。我当着你的伙伴的面押你回家，让你感到了羞辱。我还对你说：“袜子是要花钱买的，如果你自己掏钱，你就会在意了。”唉，这竟出自一位父亲之口！
你还记得吗？没过多久，当我在书房看书时，你小心地走进来，眼里带着委屈的样子。我从报纸上面看到了你，对你的打搅十分不悦。你站在门口，有些犹豫，“你想干什么？”我恶狠狠地说。
你什么也没说，只是突然朝我跑过来，搂住我的脖子亲吻着我。你的小手紧紧地抱了我一下。满含情爱，那是上帝种在你心田里的，任何漠视都不能使它枯萎，之后你离开了，快步上了楼梯。
在你离开不久，儿子，报纸从手中滑落在地，一阵令人难受的强烈愧疚涌上了我的心头。我真是受习惯之害匪浅！吹毛求疵，并且动不动就斥责——这就是
finding fault, of reprimanding—this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
And there was so much that was good and free and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:“He is nothing but a boy—a little boy!”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.
Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.“To know all is to forgive all.”
As Dr. Johnson said, “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.”
Why should you and I?
Principle 1：Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
我对你这个小男孩的报偿！我不是不爱你，而是对你的期望太高，并以我自己的年龄标准来要求你。
在你的天性中充满了真、善、美。你那幼小的心灵就好像黎明的阳光，照亮了群山的清晨——你跑进来亲吻我，向我道晚安的内在冲动表明了这一切。其他都不重要了！我的儿子！我在黑暗中来到你的床边，内心充满愧疚地跪在这里。
我这不过是一种没什么作用的忏悔。我知道，当我在你醒来的时候告诉你这些时，你也不会明白。但是我从明天开始要做一个真正的父亲。我要成为你的好伙伴，在你痛苦时帮你分担，在你欢笑时和你共同分享。我不会再说那些不耐烦的话，我会每天告诉自己：“他只是个孩子——一个小男孩！”
我想我以前是将你当大人来对待的。但是，我的儿子，当我现在看到你蜷缩着睡在你的小床上时，你仍然是个婴儿。你在母亲的怀里，头靠在她肩上，此情此景犹如发生在昨天。我以前对你太苛刻了，太苛刻了！
因此，我们不要去责怪别人，而要试着去了解他们，弄明白他们为什么会那么做。这会比批评更有益，而且还能产生同情、容忍以及仁慈。“了解了一切，就会宽恕一切！”
正如约翰逊博士所说的：“要知道，即使是上帝，如果不到世界末日，也不会轻易审判世人。”为什么你我要批评别人呢？
第一项规则：不要批评、指责或抱怨。