INTRODUCTION
As an executive coach, I’ve worked with hundreds of people in all types of organizations, guiding them through a professional development journey. It’s a fascinating process, one that has the potential to change their work lives. Each person has their own story, of course—a unique narrative that includes their skills, experience, strengths, weaknesses, and relationships. Yet while every engagement is different, these people all have one thing in common: their boss always plays a central role in the story. That’s why my first coaching question is, What does your boss really want from you? This is where the reflective process starts because determining what the boss wants is essential to success in any job.
Now, some of my clients have great bosses, so we discuss the relationship briefly and move on to their development opportunities. Great bosses have a lot of wonderful qualities, including a clear picture of what they want from you. They expect you to: 1) have a strong work ethic, 2) demonstrate a positive attitude, 3) be a team player, 4) generate innovative ideas, and 5) get outstanding results. The best bosses clearly express their expectations in these and other areas. They also want what’s best for you; they want to see you grow, develop, and succeed.
However, many of my clients don’t work for a great boss. They don’t understand what he really wants. They’re not clear about his expectations. They don’t know what he thinks of them, and all this uncertainty impacts their engagement, performance,and happiness. In these cases, we spend as much time talking about the boss as we do discussing their specific improvement opportunities. In fact, for some of my clients, the “boss issue” is the only conversation that really matters.
Hidden Motives
Let me be clear: it’s not that these people lack agreed upon objectives. In every case, there are formal performance goals that have been agreed to by the boss. I’m talking about the unknown expectations, those hidden motives that may drive his behavior and the real reasons behind his agenda. Let’s face it, some bosses have ulterior motives, and they’re certainly not going to share them with you. Do you really know why he approves one project but rejects another? Why he lets you interact with some senior leaders but not others? Why he never lets you make a presentation to his manager? Your boss may have motives that have nothing to do with helping you achieve your goals. Not every boss is like this, of course. Many are perfectly transparent and have clear intentions. But some have motives that don’t align with your best interests, and that can cause a lot of sleepless nights.
A Necessary Relationship
There’s a good reason for this anxiety, of course. Your boss is the most important person in your work life. He has the power to hire and fire, to empower or micro-manage. He determines (to a large extent) how you’ll be recognized and rewarded. He controls whether you get promoted, and how you’re thought of by senior management. Now, in a perfect world, all bosseswould be skilled managers; all would have pure motives that help you grow, develop, and deliver great results. But the fact is, not all managers are wired this way. That is why you need to know what motivates him. If you don’t understand why your boss does what he does, or what he really wants from you, you’ll likely be worried, frustrated, and disengaged; you certainly won’t be delivering your best work.
The Unexpected Solution
I wish there were an easy solution to this problem. Let’s go back to my clients who are struggling with their bosses. The first thing they want to know is, How do I change my boss? Know what I tell them? Forget about changing him. That’s right, the hard truth is that all of your efforts to improve, fix, or convert your boss won’t work. The secret is changing your own approach to interacting with your boss. The “fix” is adapting your own style to make the relationship work. The transformation has to be one you undergo in your awareness, attitude, and behaviors. This isn’t always easy, but it’s the only path that will get you to a better place with your boss.
What you can’t do is continue to play the victim. I’ve seen a lot of people fall into “victim mode” when it comes to the boss; everything is the boss’s fault. These people create a story about the boss that fits their view of the world, and that story generally doesn’t reflect reality. Are you doing this? Are you living in a story that doesn’t allow you to improve the relationship? If so, my goal is to help you see your boss more objectively, to help you change your story, demonstrate new behaviors, and take charge of the relationship.
How to Use This Book
This is a book about insight. Specifically, it’s about turning insight into self-awareness and behavior change. The process described here helps you better understand where your boss is coming from, and provides a roadmap for adjusting your own attitude and behavior to fit his true motives. The book is divided into three sections, and begins by asking you to Study Your Boss. The first step in working more effectively with your boss is gaining an understanding of what drives his behavior—developing a clear picture of his work style, leadership brand, and motives. Next, you must Consider How Your Boss Sees You. Here you need to draw an accurate picture of how you’re perceived by the boss. Studying your boss is important, but you also have to look at yourself from his perspective. Finally, you have to Take Responsibility for the Relationship. This is the real key to improving your work life: being accountable for the boss relationship. The first two sections are about gaining awareness; this section is about turning those insights into action. Here you’ll find practical suggestions for changing your story, tips for interacting more effectively with your boss, and advice for getting the relationship back on track. In each section, I share examples from my own work experience as well as stories from my coaching practice. All of these examples are real and are meant to illustrate scenarios you may be experiencing right now. Whether you work in a small company (where the boss may be the founder) or a large corporate, government, or educational institution, I think these examples will resonate with you.
Finally, two notes about the purpose and structure of the book: First, while this process is designed for you, I believe bosses can gain valuable insight from the questions as well. The attitudeand behavior adjustments don’t have to be one-sided. So if you’re also a boss, use this book to bring more transparency into your motives and actions; your team will appreciate the effort. Second, most of us have worked for male and female managers. For simplicity, I refer to the boss as a male in Section 1, a female in Section 2, and use both genders in Section 3. However, all of the questions and suggestions in the book apply equally to male and female managers.
Look, I hope you work for a great boss. But even if you do, there may be things about him you don’t understand; this process gives you the insight to create an even stronger working partnership. However, if you are struggling with your boss, it might be because you haven’t cracked the code of what really motivates him. You haven’t figured out what he really wants and, therefore, what he wants from you. Most importantly, you haven’t made the commitment to change your own attitude and behavior to better align with his style. If that’s the case, I believe this book can help you. I hope you’ll find this process useful in creating a more meaningful, productive, and enjoyable work experience.
Steve Arneson
Boulder, Colorado