推荐序三 家庭性教育帮你养出一个快乐的孩子

养育自己的孩子是一件很棒的事，但却不是一件容易的事。很多的专业技能都有非常多的教育项目来帮你学习，但是关于如何养育孩子，并没有专门的教育。所有的家长都必须听从自己的直觉，依靠祖父母的建议，或者只是保证他们的爱会给孩子的成长提供足够的支持。而如果家长是幸运的，他们会找到一些专家的书，书中会告诉他们如何用最好的方式教育自己的孩子。

而作为儿童教育的一个非常特别的部分，关于儿童性发育的教育，我们能够找到的书籍是更少的。

面对孩子的性发育，家长常常不知所措，更不知道面对孩子出现关于性的行为时应该作何反应。他们不知道如何回答孩子的问题，也不能向孩子的祖父母求助，因为这对很多人来说是一个非常敏感的话题，家长们根本不知道从哪里能够找到自己需要的信息。

我从事性教育工作的时间已经超过了25年，作为一个性教育工作者，我知道很多家长都对孩子的性教育充满疑惑。在我的祖国荷兰，大约25年前，我开始为父母写关于性教育的第一本书。这本书在荷兰至今依然非常受欢迎。同时，我还管理了一个网站很多年，这个网站是为家长提供服务的，在这个网站上家长们可以提出自己关于性教育的问题。因此，我现在已经有了一个数据库，里面是我回答过的数千个问题。

所以，我知道对于家长来说，给他们提供关于孩子性教育的清晰以及有用的信息是多么重要。

作为一名研究儿童性发育的专家，我知道，所有年龄段的孩子都会表现出和性有关的行为，并提出与性有关的问题。这是正常的，这是他们正常的发育的一部分。孩子不应该因为这些问题或行为而受到责备，因为他们并不知道发生了什么。作为家长，我们的责任是教育和指导孩子，给他们提供有用的信息，让他们更好地成长。孩子们问问题没有错，他们只是好奇而已，他们想要学习。作为父母，我们的任务是给孩子提供适合他年龄的性方面的信息；是向孩子解释他所生活的社会是如何看待性的；是告诉孩子社会规则，在某种情况下，什么是允许的，什么是不允许的……但是，家长也很困惑，不知道从哪里学到这些知识和方法。

我记得我的孩子们很小的时候就开始问我关于他们的身体和其他人的身体的问题。我试图用简单易懂的方式给他们答案。我还记得，我的孩子们问我婴儿从哪里来的问题，在那时这对我来说是一个很难回答的问题，但我仍然试图以一种容易理解的方式来回答。但是，作为家长，即使你认为自己已经正确地回答了所有的问题，你仍然不知道你的孩子所理解到的是什么。

我的大儿子五岁时，我的嫂子生了她的第一个孩子。我告诉我儿子昨晚他有了一个新堂弟，一个婴儿在他伯母家里出生。他一听到这个消息，就想去看望新生儿，而且是立刻要去，他不想浪费一分钟。虽然我告诉他，婴儿和他的母亲需要休息，我们也可以在接下来的几周去他们家，但他还是想马上去。他看起来真的很着急。而在之前的几周，我已经向他解释说，婴儿生活在我嫂子的大肚子里，当他准备好了的时候，就会通过阴道（妈妈两腿之间的一个小洞）来到这个世界。

所以，我们当天就去了我嫂子的家里，她还躺在床上，抱着婴儿休息，我儿子匆匆走进卧室去看他的小堂弟。

但他看上去非常悲伤和失望。

我问他怎么了。他说：“我们来得太晚了。”

我很困惑地问他为什么我们来得太晚了？

他回答说：“因为你告诉过我，小宝宝生活在妈妈的肚子里，然后从阴道出来。你还告诉我阴道是女性两腿间的一个小开口。这意味着，当宝宝出来的时候，他仍然是一个迷你宝宝，不会比我的小手指长。我想看看那个还没有我小手指长的宝宝长什么样子，但是他已经长得这么大了。所以是我们来得太晚了。”

这个故事很好地描绘了孩子的大脑是如何工作的，也说明了我们成年人在试图给孩子解释一些和性有关的难题时，常常忘了走进孩子的世界，而是从我们成年人的角度来进行解答。

这本书是送给所有家长的非常好的礼物。作者是一位优秀的性教育专家。我很了解她，因为我从2010年就开始和她共事了。她是我在中国做性教育培训时非常优秀的翻译，慢慢地她也成为了我的好朋友和同事。同时，她还有一个漂亮的儿子，我可以告诉你，她是一个充满爱和关怀的母亲。

我可以向你保证，这本书将成为你教育孩子的重要支持。使用它并从中受益，你的孩子将会成为一个快乐的孩子。

爱你的桑德琳

荷兰心理学家、性学家，国际性教育专家

2018年5月

Raising your child is wonderful but not an easy job. For so many expertises there are specific education programs, but to raise your child, there is no special education. All parents have to follow their intuition, rely on the advices of the grandparents or just assume that their love will give their child's development enough support. And if the parents are lucky, they find some books from experts who write for parents how to educate their child in the best way.

For a very specific part of the general education of children, the education of their sexual development, there are even less books available.

Parents do not know how to deal with the sexual development of their child. They do not know how to react on the sexual behavior of their child. They do not know how to give answers to the child's questions. Parents cannot ask the grandparents because this is usually a very sensitive topic to discuss and parents do not know where to find information.

I know from my work as sexuality educator, which I am already for more than 25 years, that many parents have questions about the sexual education of their child. In my country, the Netherlands, I started to write almost 25 years ago the first book for parents about sexuality education. And this book is still in my country extremely popular. I have managed for several years a website for parents on which they could ask questions about sexuality education. And by now I have a database of thousands of questions which I have answered.

So, I know how deeply necessary it is to have clear and helpful information for parents about the sexuality education of their child.

I know, as an expert in the sexual development of children, that children of all ages show behavior and ask questions which are related to sexuality. This is normal, this belongs to their normal development. Children are not to be blamed for these questions or behavior, because they don't know. It's our task as parents to educate and guide children by explaining and giving information which they can use to feel better. Children are not wrong when they ask questions, children are just curious. They want to learn. It's our task as parents to provide them the information about sexuality which is appropriate for their age. It's our task as parents to explain our child how the society in which he lives, is viewing sexuality. It's our task as parents to tell the child the social rules of what is allowed in this situation and what is not allowed. But where can parents learn how to do that?

I remember when my own children were very young and started to ask me questions about their body and the body of others. I tried to answer their questions in a simple and understandable way. I also remember that my children asked me questions about where a baby comes from…. That was a difficult question, but still I tried to answer the question in an understandable way. But even if you think as parent that you have answered all the questions correctly, you still do not know what your child is understanding from your information.

When my eldest child was 5 years old, my sister in law delivered her first child. I told my son that last night he got a new nephew. A baby was born in the house of his auntie. As soon as he heard the news, he wanted to go to visit the newborn baby. Immediately. He just didn't want to lose one minute. Although I told him that the baby and his mother needed some rest and we could go to their home in the coming next weeks as well, he still wanted to go immediately. He seemed really in a hurry. In the recent weeks I already explained him that the baby who at that time was still living in the big belly of my sister in law, would come out to the world when he was ready, through the vagina (the small opening between the legs of the mama).

So, when we arrived the same day in my sister in law's house, where she was still staying in bed to rest with the baby in her arms, my little son hurried into the bedroom to see his baby nephew.

But he seemed very sad and disappointed.

I asked what was wrong. And he said: ‘We are too late'.

Confused I asked him why we were too late?

And he replied: ‘Because you told me that the baby would be born out of the belly through the vagina of Auntie. You also told me that the vagina is just a small opening between the legs of a woman. That means, the baby would be still a mini-mini baby, not longer than my smallest finger, when he comes out. I wanted to see the baby when he was still not smaller than my little finger, but he has grown already so much. That's why we are too late.’

This story is such a beautiful illustration of how the brains of a child is working. And how we adults sometimes forget, to go down into the brains of children when we try to explain the difficult topics of sexuality, in an adult way.

This book is a great gift for all parents with a child. It is written by an excellent author and expert in sexuality education. I know her very well because I already work with her since 2010. She is a great translator in all my trainings in China on sexuality education and she became my dear friend and colleague whenever I am in China. Since she has a beautiful son, I can tell you she is now a wonderful loving and caring mother.

I can assure you, this book will become your daily support in the education of your child. Use it and benefit from it. Your child will become a happy child.

With love,

Sanderijn van der Doef

Psychologist and sexologist and international expert in sexuality education