怎么跟老外聊天？
How to Talk to a “Laowai”?
广州火车站，两个姑娘的对话——
Guangzhou Train Station, two young ladies’ dialogue:
姑娘甲：“老外。”
Young lady 1: “Laowai.”
姑娘乙：“哪里？”
Young lady 2: “Where?”
姑娘甲：“后面。”
Young lady 1: “Behind you.”
姑娘乙：“我应该说点啥？”
Young lady 2: “What should I say?”
姑娘甲：“我不知道。”
Young lady 1: “I don’t know.”
我笑着在她们的背后说：“我也不知道。”
From behind them I said with a smile, “I also don’t know.”
她们都呵呵地笑着说“Sorry”，就跑开了。
Giggling they said, “Sorry,” and ran away.
很多好奇的学生认真地问：“老师，怎么跟外国朋友说话？如何跟外国同事交流？”对我来说，这个问题是有点奇怪——虽然您读下去就会更明白我的想法——可我还是需要回答一下这个问题。
Many curious students ask in earnest, “Teacher, how can I speak with foreign friends? How can we communicate with foreign coworkers?” To me, this question is a little strange—continue reading and you will better understand my feelings—but I still should respond to this innocent question.
在下面我写了一些Do’s & Don’ts：有些很搞笑，有些你可以试试，有些最好避开。
Down below I wrote some “Do’s and Don’ts”: some are hilarious, some you can try and some are best to avoid.
第一，语言和文化有差异，可没有物种差异。
Number One: Language and culture have differences, but there’s no difference in species.
不要忘记，我们的最大区别是我们的语言。可是如果你会说英文，即使只会讲一点，这个问题就大大地减少了。嗯，是的，我们还在文化上有一些差异，可是，美国和英国、南非和印度呢？英文都是我们的母语，只是文化都不一样罢了。所以别怕，只要开口，大多数的外国人都不是坏人。如果你说错，不要担心，他们不会咬你。
Don’t forget, our biggest difference is language. But if you can speak English, even if only just a little, then this problem is greatly reduced. And, yes, there is still the difference in culture. But, what about the United States and England, South Africa and India? For all of us, English is our native tongue, but our cultures are different. So don’t be afraid, just open your mouth. Most foreigners aren’t bad people. If you say something wrong, don’t worry, they won’t bite.
第二，“May I be your friend?”如果在中文里听起来比较奇怪，也许在英文里也是奇怪的。
Number Two: “May I be your friend?” If in Chinese this sounds a little strange, perhaps in English it sounds strange as well.
说实话，这句话不仅很诚恳，而且是很友好的。不幸的是，诚恳和友好看上去容易有奇怪的感觉。可是，在我的“中国生活”中，偶尔有几个陌生人一走到我面前就说这句话。假如你不觉得很奇怪，我问你，要是在中国，你走到一个你不认识的人的前面说“咱们交个朋友？”的话，对方会想什么？会觉得你很奇怪。如果你是女的，他会想你是……这么说或许不太好，但估计你能猜到他会怎么想。但在聚会、网上聊天时可以用，对方会乐意接受你友好的邀请，至少在大多数时候会。可是，要是在路上直接说呢？请先考虑一下怎么开始对话。
Frankly speaking, not only is this sentence sincere, but it’s also friendly. Unfortunately, sincere and friendly can just as easily come across as strange. During my “China Life”, I’ve had strangers walk up to me and ask this question. And if you don’t think this is strange, well, let me ask you, if in China you walked up to another Chinese person you don’t know and asked, “Want to be my friend?” what would they think? Maybe they’d think you were crazy. If you were a female, he may think you are…sorry, I think you can guess what he’d think, etc. But at a party, on the internet, etc., it’s okay to use, and the person you are speaking to will happily accept your offer of friendship. Well, most of the time at least. But, on the street, direct to a stranger? Please consider for a moment how to begin talking with them.
第三，“今天天气很好。”
Number Three: “Beautiful day, isn’t it？”
不错，这是闲聊，可是还要看环境/情况。如果是在路边等巴士的情况下，可以这样说。在晚会时你可以这样开始对话：“嘿，你怎么认识某某人？”或者用我们都非常熟悉的这个基本介绍：“您好，我叫阿文。”（当然不要用我的名字。）等火车的时候：“现在是几点钟？”看见别人独自吃饭，可以说：“想跟我们一起吃吗？”（最好是先看清楚情况再讲。）给你说几个尽量要避免的例子：在上海外滩骑车等红灯时一个小伙子对我说：“小菜一碟。”我看了一眼他的手里是否拿着一块蛋糕，但并没有。好像他想使用一句美国的俗语“小菜一碟（It’s a piece of cake.）”（那句话的意思是“很容易做”。）跟一个外国人交流，可是他的话绝对没有上下文。再举一个例子。有一次坐在饭店的时候，一个老人用英文问我：“美国人？”我回答：“是。”他用中文再问我：“旧金山有很多同性恋？”根本没有上下文。我最后举的例子是：“阿文，在你业余时间你喜欢修理屋顶和修理篱笆吗？”什么？就算你的英文课本里有些很古老的或者根本没人使用的短语，你也不必真的使用它们。反正，许多英文课本比奶奶的裤袜更古老。
Not bad, this is small talk. But you still need to look at the environment/situation. If you are standing by the side of the road waiting for the bus, you can say something like this. At a party you could start a dialogue with, “Hey, so, how do you know so and so?” And we are all familiar with this basic introduction, “Hi, my name is Kevin.” But, don’t use my name of course. How about waiting for a train, “Do you have the time?” If watching someone eating alone, you can say, “Would you like to join us?” It’s best to first look at the situation, then speak. Let me give you some examples that you should do your best to avoid: biking on Shanghai’s Bund I stopped for a red light and a young man said to me, “It’s a piece of cake.” I glanced at his hand to see if he was holding a piece of cake. There wasn’t any. It seemed he wanted to communicate with a foreigner using the common American saying “It’s a piece of cake,”（which means something was easy to do）but what he said had absolutely no context. Another example: once while sitting outside of a restaurant, an old man asked in English, “American?” I answered, “Yes.” Then in Chinese he asked me, “Does San Francisco have many gay people?” Zero context. And for my last example, “Do you enjoy fixing rooftops and mending fences in your free time?” What did she just ask me? Just because some old fashion or awkward sentences may be found in your English textbooks, that doesn’t mean you must use them. Anyways, most English textbooks are more out of date than your grandmother’s pantyhose.
第四，“我可以帮你什么忙吗？”
Number Four：“May I help you?”
我估计你们多少都碰到过迷路的外国人：张着嘴巴，拿着一张倒置的地图走来走去，搔搔头——都是国际通用表情：“帮我！我迷路了！”要是你问那个迷路的外国人是否需要帮忙，他们肯定会感谢你的关心。然后你就可以用英文给他们指路。
I estimate that you have all run into this kind of foreigner at least two or three times: mouth hanging open, holding a map and walking back and forth as he scratches his head—which are all the international signs for: “Help! I’m lost!” If you want to ask if they are lost and whether they need your help, certainly they will appreciate your concern. After that you can use English and show them the way.
第五，“对不起！”
Number Five: “Excuse me！”
要是你看到外国人掉了东西，在他后面可以喊：“对不起！”但是，请你不要说：“您好！”如果只说“您好！”他有可能会不理你，因为他不知道为什么他看不到的人会突然喊：“您好！”
If you see a foreigner drop something, from behind them you can call out, “Excuse me!” But please don’t just shout ‘Hello!’ If you only say, “Hello!” maybe they will ignore you because they don’t know why someone they cannot see suddenly shouts, “Hello!”
第六，“那件毛衣很漂亮。”
Number Six：“That’s a beautiful sweater.”
谁不喜欢恭维？这样开始交流简直是太容易了。因为大家都知道女孩子最好的朋友就是恭维，所以可以说“我真喜欢你的发型”或“请问，你的鞋子是在哪里买的？”恭维也受男孩子的欢迎，比如“你很帅”（女孩子对男孩子说）或“手表很好，有故事？”（男孩子对男孩子）当然还有最经常听到的：“你的中文非常好。”（不分性别）无论是一种夸张的恭维或者是想给对方面子，一句表扬总是会让气氛轻松一点或者能打破沉默。
Who doesn’t like a compliment? To begin talking this way is really easy. And because everyone knows a compliment is a girl’s best friend, you could say, “I really love your hairstyle” or “Excuse me, where did you buy those shoes?”（said to a girl）Compliments are also popular with men: “You are very handsome.”（girl to boy）“Nice watch. Does it have a story?”（man to man.）And of course there is the most commonly heard, “Your Chinese is very good.”（either sex）Whether it is exaggerated flattery or a face-giving measure, a compliment always lightens the mood and breaks the ice.
第七，“可以跟你练习我的英文吗？”
Number Seven: “May I practice my English with you？”
当然问话的人没有觉得不好意思，只是想练习他的英文。可是很多人都很忙，可能会误会你的意思，也许会以为你是要求他们教你英文，让人感觉这是一种工作。更好的方法是问他：“你好吗？”对，非常简单。“新来到这个城市？让我做第一个欢迎你的人……”欢迎他来到你的城市，这样不也能练习你的英文吗？还不会令人感觉到是一种工作！
Of course the one you are talking to won’t think this is bad and only believes you want to practice your English. But everyone is busy, and they might misunderstand, perhaps believing that you are requesting that they teach you English. It will make the person feel it’s like a job. A better way to ask is, “How are you?” Yes, very simple. “New to the city? Let me be the first to welcome you to....” like welcoming them to your city. In this way aren’t you practicing your English? And it doesn’t leave the other person thinking it’s a job!
第八，你好与你好啊
Number Eight: Hello and Halloo
和外国人/老外打招呼的时候，请你用眼神跟他们交流，然后向他们微笑地说出“Hello”。
When greeting a foreigner/laowai, please make eye contact, then smile in their direction and say, “Hello!”
请不要在他背后喊：“Hello！”
Please don’t: Shout from behind, “Hello！”
也不要不停地说：“Hello，Hello，Hello.”
Without stopping say, “Hello, Hello, Hello.”
不要大声地喊叫：“Halloo!”
Loudly shout: “Halloo!”
也请不要向老外吹口哨或拍手。我们不是小狗。
Also please don’t: Whistle or clap your hands towards a laowai. We aren’t little puppies.
也不要用“嘿”或“哦”，或者另外一些比较奇怪的，或是陌生的发音。
As well as: “Hey” or “Oh” or other relatively strange and unusual sounds.
第九，“我很好，你呢？”
Number Nine: “I’m fine, thank you. And you?”
如果你不巧地说出这最简单、最自动的答案，先打自己一耳光。把这部分内容再读一遍。假如对方已经用过这两个句子，然后你还是不经意地说出：“我很好。你呢？”你应该立刻找到最近的窗户跳出去。
If you accidentally speak out this simplest, most automatic response, first slap yourself. Then please read again, ‘How to talk to a laowai.’ If the person you are speaking to already used these two basic sentences and you followed by accidentally saying, “I’m fine, thank you. And you?” , then you should immediately seek out the closest window and jump.
当然我是开玩笑的。不要跳窗。跪下去，向你曾经的英文课本叩头一千次。
Of course I’m only joking. You don’t need to jump out the window. Please kneel down and kowtow towards your previous English textbook one thousand times.
最后，我想说，我意识到大多数的中国人对外国人都是礼貌的。除了“第八”的halloo以外，他们大多数时候是真心想交朋友，练习自己的英文等，万一冒犯了对方，很可能也不是故意的。
Finally, I’d like to say, I realize that most Chinese are very polite to foreigners. Besides Number Seven’s “Halloo”，they are all more than likely earnest attempts at a friendship, wanting to practice one’s English, etc. and if they have offended someone, it was more than likely not their intention.
好的，我说完了！现在我必须马上出门把屋顶和篱笆修理一下！
Okay, that’s enough! Now I need to get outside ASAP to fix rooftops and mend fences!