第29章
"Ah!" she said, and for the first time she looked at him as a woman looks at the man she loves, "nor do you know, my friend, that I love you, and that you cause me horrible suffering; and that I feel that I must utter my cry of pain without putting it too plainly into words.If I did not, I should yield----But you see nothing.""And you will not make me happy!"
"Armand, I should die of sorrow the next day."The General turned abruptly from her and went.But out in the street he brushed away the tears that he would not let fall.
The religious phase lasted for three months.At the end of that time the Duchess grew weary of vain repetitions; the Deity, bound hand and foot, was delivered up to her lover.Possibly she may have feared that by sheer dint of talking of eternity she might perpetuate his love in this world and the next.For her own sake, it must be believed that no man had touched her heart, or her conduct would be inexcusable.She was young; the time when men and women feel that they cannot afford to lose time or to quibble over their joys was still far off.She, no doubt, was on the verge not of first love, but of her first experience of the bliss of love.And from inexperience, for want of the painful lessons which would have taught her to value the treasure poured out at her feet, she was playing with it.Knowing nothing of the glory and rapture of the light, she was fain to stay in the shadow.
Armand was just beginning to understand this strange situation;he put his hope in the first word spoken by nature.Every evening, as he came away from Mme de Langeais's, he told himself that no woman would accept the tenderest, most delicate proofs of a man's love during seven months, nor yield passively to the slighter demands of passion, only to cheat love at the last.He was waiting patiently for the sun to gain power, not doubting but that he should receive the earliest fruits.The married woman's hesitations and the religious scruples he could quite well understand.He even rejoiced over those battles.He mistook the Duchess's heartless coquetry for modesty; and he would not have had her otherwise.So he had loved to see her devising obstacles; was he not gradually triumphing over them? Did not every victory won swell the meagre sum of lovers' intimacies long denied, and at last conceded with every sign of love? Still, he had had such leisure to taste the full sweetness of every small successive conquest on which a lover feeds his love, that these had come to be matters of use and wont.So far as obstacles went, there were none now save his own awe of her; nothing else left between him and his desire save the whims of her who allowed him to call her Antoinette.So he made up his mind to demand more, to demand all.Embarrassed like a young lover who cannot dare to believe that his idol can stoop so low, he hesitated for a long time.He passed through the experience of terrible reactions within himself.A set purpose was annihilated by a word, and definite resolves died within him on the threshold.He despised himself for his weakness, and still his desire remained unuttered.
Nevertheless, one evening, after sitting in gloomy melancholy, he brought out a fierce demand for his illegally legitimate rights.
The Duchess had not to wait for her bond-slave's request to guess his desire.When was a man's desire a secret? And have not women an intuitive knowledge of the meaning of certain changes of countenance?
"What! you wish to be my friend no longer?" she broke in at the first words, and a divine red surging like new blood under the transparent skin, lent brightness to her eyes."As a reward for my generosity, you would dishonour me? Just reflect a little.Imyself have thought much over this; and I think always for us BOTH.There is such a thing as a woman's loyalty, and we can no more fail in it than you can fail in honour._I_ cannot blind myself.If I am yours, how, in any sense, can I be M.de Langeais's wife? Can you require the sacrifice of my position, my rank, my whole life in return for a doubtful love that could not wait patiently for seven months? What! already you would rob me of my right to dispose of myself? No, no; you must not talk like this again.No, not another word.I will not, I cannot listen to you."Mme de Langeais raised both hands to her head to push back the tufted curls from her hot forehead; she seemed very much excited.
"You come to a weak woman with your purpose definitely planned out.You say--`For a certain length of time she will talk to me of her husband, then of God, and then of the inevitable consequences.But I will use and abuse the ascendancy I shall gain over her; I will make myself indispensable; all the bonds of habit, all the misconstructions of outsiders, will make for me;and at length, when our liaison is taken for granted by all the world, I shall be this woman's master.'--Now, be frank; these are your thoughts! Oh! you calculate, and you say that you love.
Shame on you! You are enamoured? Ah! that I well believe! You wish to possess me, to have me for your mistress, that is all!
Very well then, No! The DUCHESSE DE LANGEAIS will not descend so far.Simple bourgeoises may be the victims of your treachery--I, never! Nothing gives me assurance of your love.You speak of my beauty; I may lose every trace of it in six months, like the dear Princess, my neighbour.You are captivated by my wit, my grace.