第18章 P

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.

PAIN A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London one.

PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding hands.

PANTS Trousers' Country Cousins.

PARACHUTE A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

PARAGON The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.

PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's life.

PASS A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay.

PASSENGER One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up.

One who has to give up to go.

PARROT An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says.

PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married housekeepers.

PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.

PAWN v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle.

PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming quality.

PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the Phillipines.

PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

PEARL A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who determines for the right.

PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.

PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

PHILOSOPHER One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.

PIANO A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers.

PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.

PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.

PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in.

PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but only after careful grafting.

PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of.

PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better.

POLICEMAN A never present help in time of trouble.

POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several languages.

POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter.

PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and Congress.

PRUDE A native of Boston.

PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.

PRUNE A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out.

PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber.

PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of Humor.

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper or radium--there's more in it.