第34章

It was Ralph who detected the true cause of my discontent.Typical as no other man I can recall of the code to which we had dedicated ourselves,the code that moulded the important part of the undergraduate world and defied authority,he regarded any defection from it in the light of treason.An instructor,in a fit of impatience,had once referred to him as the Mephistopheles of his class;he had fatal attractions,and a remarkable influence.His favourite pastime was the capricious exercise of his will on weaker characters,such as his cousin,Ham Durrett;if they "swore off,"Ralph made it his business to get them drunk again,and having accomplished this would proceed himself to administer a new oath and see that it was kept.Alcohol seemed to have no effect whatever on him.Though he was in the class above me,I met him frequently at a club to which I had the honour to belong,then a suite of rooms over a shop furnished with a pool and a billiard table,easy-chairs and a bar.It has since achieved the dignity of a house of its own.

We were having,one evening,a "religious"argument,Cinibar,Laurens and myself and some others.I can't recall how it began;I think Cinibar had attacked the institution of compulsory chapel,which nobody defended;there was something inherently wrong,he maintained,with a religion to which men had to be driven against their wills.Somewhat to my surprise I found myself defending a Christianity out of which I had been able to extract but little comfort and solace.Neither Laurens nor Conybear,however,were for annihilating it:although they took the other side of the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything,their attacks were but half-hearted;like me,they were still under the spell exerted by a youthful training.

We were all of us aware of Ralph,who sat at some distance looking over the pages of an English sporting weekly.Presently he flung it down.

"Haven't you found out yet that man created God,Hughie?"he inquired.

"And even if there were a personal God,what reason have you to think that man would be his especial concern,or any concern of his whatever?

The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked hat."I don't remember how I answered him.In spite of the superficiality of his own arguments,which I was not learned enough to detect,I was ingloriously routed.Darwin had kicked over the bucket,and that was all there was to it....After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens admitted they were somewhat disturbed,declaring that Ralph had gone too far.I spent a miserable night,recalling the naturalistic assertions he had made so glibly,asking myself again and again how it was that the religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions and on my will,had not prevented me from lapses into degradation.And Ihated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred.Ibelieved in Christ,which is to say that I believed that in some inscrutable manner he existed,continued to dominate the world and had suffered on my account.

To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs?One of the results--it will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was a pernicious shyness,and even though I had found a mentor and confessor,I might have hesitated to unburden myself.This would be different from arguing with Ralph Hambleton.In my predicament,as I was wandering through the yard,I came across a notice of an evening talk to students in Holder Chapel,by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks.This was before the time,let me say in passing,when his sermons at Harvard were attended by crowds of undergraduates.Well,I stood staring at the notice,debating whether I should go,trying to screw up my courage;for I recognized clearly that such a step,if it were to be of any value,must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life;and I recall thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to "turn good."My presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends,for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set.I should be classed with the despised "pious ones"who did such things regularly.Ishrank from the ridicule.I had,however,heard of Mr.Brooks from Ned Symonds,who was by no means of the pious type,and whose parents attended Mr.Brooks's church in Boston....I left my decision in abeyance.But when evening came I stole away from the club table,on the plea of an engagement,and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel.Ihad almost reached it--when I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some others approaching,--and I went on,to turn again.By this time the meeting,which was in a room on the second floor,had already begun.

Palpitating,I climbed the steps;the door of the room was slightly ajar;I looked in;I recall a distinct sensation of surprise,--the atmosphere of that meeting was so different from what I had expected.Not a "pious"atmosphere at all!I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman,dressed in black,who sat,wholly at ease,on the table!One hand was in his pocket,one foot swung clear of the ground;and he was not preaching,but talking in an easy,conversational tone to some forty young men who sat intent on his words.I was too excited to listen to what he was saying,I was making a vain attempt to classify him.But I remember the thought,for it struck me with force,--that if Christianity were so thoroughly discredited by evolution,as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would have one believe,why should this remarkably sane and able-looking person be standing up for it as though it were still an established and incontrovertible fact?