第154章

My mother became worse,and I was not allowed to enter her apartment,lest by my frantic exclamations of grief I might aggravate her disorder.I rested neither day nor night,but roamed about the house like one distracted.Suddenly I found myself doing that which even at the time struck me as being highly singular;I found myself touching particular objects that were near me,and to which my fingers seemed to be attracted by an irresistible impulse.

It was now the table or the chair that I was compelled to touch;now the bell-rope;now the handle of the door;now I would touch the wall,and the next moment,stooping down,I would place the point of my finger upon the floor:and so I continued to do day after day;frequently I would struggle to resist the impulse,but invariably in vain.I have even rushed away from the object,but I was sure to return,the impulse was too strong to be resisted:I quickly hurried back,compelled by the feeling within me to touch the object.Now I need not tell you that what impelled me to these actions was the desire to prevent my mother's death;whenever I touched any particular object,it was with the view of baffling the evil chance,as you would call it-in this instance my mother's death.

'A favourable crisis occurred in my mother's complaint,and she recovered;this crisis took place about six o'clock in the morning;almost simultaneously with it there happened to myself a rather remarkable circumstance connected with the nervous feeling which was rioting in my system.I was lying in bed in a kind of uneasy doze,the only kind of rest which my anxiety on account of my mother permitted me at this time to take,when all at once I sprang up as if electrified;the mysterious impulse was upon me,and it urged me to go without delay,and climb a stately elm behind the house,and touch the topmost branch;otherwise-you know the rest-the evil chance would prevail.Accustomed for some time as I had been,under this impulse,to perform extravagant actions,I confess to you that the difficulty and peril of such a feat startled me;I reasoned against the feeling,and strove more strenuously than I had ever done before;I even made a solemn vow not to give way to the temptation,but I believe nothing less than chains,and those strong ones,could have restrained me.The demoniac influence,for I can call it nothing else,at length prevailed;it compelled me to rise,to dress myself,to descend the stairs,to unbolt the door,and to go forth;it drove me to the foot of the tree,and it compelled me to climb the trunk;this was a tremendous task,and I only accomplished it after repeated falls and trials.When I had got amongst the branches,I rested for a time,and then set about accomplishing the remainder of the ascent;this for some time was not so difficult,for I was now amongst the branches;as I approached the top,however,the difficulty became greater,and likewise the danger;but I was a light boy,and almost as nimble as a squirrel,and,moreover,the nervous feeling was within me,impelling me upward.It was only by means of a spring,however,that I was enabled to touch the top of the tree;I sprang,touched the top of the tree,and fell a distance of at least twenty feet,amongst the branches;had I fallen to the bottom I must have been killed,but I fell into the middle of the tree,and presently found myself astride upon one of the boughs;scratched and bruised all over,I reached the ground,and regained my chamber unobserved;I flung myself on my bed quite exhausted;presently they came to tell me that my mother was better-they found me in the state which I have described,and in a fever besides.The favourable crisis must have occurred just about the time that I performed the magic touch;it certainly was a curious coincidence,yet I was not weak enough,even though a child,to suppose that I had baffled the evil chance by my daring feat.

'Indeed,all the time that I was performing these strange feats,I knew them to be highly absurd,yet the impulse to perform them was irresistible-a mysterious dread hanging over me till I had given way to it;even at that early period I frequently used to reason within myself as to what could be the cause of my propensity to touch,but of course I could come to no satisfactory conclusion respecting it;being heartily ashamed of the practice,I never spoke of it to any one,and was at all times highly solicitous that no one should observe my weakness.'