第93章

"Oh, no, of course it doesn't matter.Forgive me, Alyosha, dear....You know, I scarcely respected you till now- that is Irespected you but on an equal footing; but now I shall begin to respect you on a higher footing.Don't be angry, dear, at my joking," she put in at once, with strong feeling."I am absurd and small, but you, you! Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch.Isn't there in all our analysis- I mean your analysis...no, better call it ours-aren't we showing contempt for him, for that poor man- in analysing his soul like this, as it were, from above, eh? In deciding so certainly that he will take the money?""No, Lise, it's not contempt," Alyosha answered, as though he had prepared himself for the question."I was thinking of that on the way here.How can it be contempt when we are all like him, when we are all just the same as he is? For you know we are just the same, no better.If we are better, we should have been just the same in his place....I don't know about you, Lise, but I consider that I have a sordid soul in many ways, and his soul is not sordid; on the contrary, full of fine feeling....No, Lise, I have no contempt for him.Do you know, Lise, my elder told me once to care for most people exactly as one would for children, and for some of them as one would for the sick in hospitals.""Ah, Alexey Fyodorovitch.dear, let us care for people as we would for the sick!""Let us, Lise; I am ready.Though I am not altogether ready in myself.I am sometimes very impatient and at other times I don't see things.It's different with you.""Ah, I don't believe it! Alexey Fyodorovitch, how happy I am!""I am so glad you say so, Lise."

"Alexey Fyodorovitch, you are wonderfully good, but you are sometimes sort of formal....And yet you are not a bit formal really.Go to the door, open it gently, and see whether mamma is listening," said Lise, in a nervous, hurried whisper.

Alyosha went, opened the door, and reported that no one was listening.

"Come here, Alexey Fyodorovitch," Lise went on, flushing redder and redder."Give me your hand- that's right.I have to make a great confession.I didn't write to you yesterday in joke, but in earnest," and she hid her eyes with her hand.It was evident that she was greatly ashamed of the confession.

Suddenly she snatched his hand and impulsively kissed it three times.

"Ah, Lise, what a good thing!" cried Alyosha joyfully."You know, I was perfectly sure you were in earnest.""Sure? Upon my word! She put aside his hand, but did not leave go of it, blushing hotly, and laughing a little happy laugh."I kiss his hand and he says, 'What a good thing!'"But her reproach was undeserved.Alyosha, too, was greatly overcome.

"I should like to please you always, Lise, but don't know how to do it." he muttered, blushing too.

"Alyosha, dear, you are cold and rude.Do you see? He has chosen me as his wife and is quite settled about it.He is sure I was in earnest.What a thing to say! Why, that's impertinence- that's what it is.""Why, was it wrong of me to feel sure?" Alyosha asked, laughing suddenly.

"Ah, Alyosha, on the contrary, it was delightfully right," cried Lise, looking tenderly and happily at him.

Alyosha stood still, holding her hand in his.Suddenly he stooped down and kissed her on her lips.

"Oh, what are you doing?" cried Lise.Alyosha was terribly abashed.

"Oh, forgive me if I shouldn't....Perhaps I'm awfully stupid....You said I was cold, so I kissed you....But I see it was stupid."Lise laughed, and hid her face in her hands."And in that dress!" she ejaculated in the midst of her mirth.But she suddenly ceased laughing and became serious, almost stern.

"Alyosha, we must put off kissing.We are not ready for that yet, and we shall have a long time to wait," she ended suddenly."Tell me rather why you who are so clever, so intellectual, so observant, choose a little idiot, an invalid like me? Ah, Alyosha, I am awfully happy, for I don't deserve you a bit.""You do, Lise.I shall be leaving the monastery altogether in a few days.If I go into the world, I must marry.I know that.He told me to marry, too.Whom could I marry better than you- and who would have me except you? I have been thinking it over.In the first place, you've known me from a child and you've a great many qualities I haven't.You are more light-hearted than I am; above all, you are more innocent than I am.I have been brought into contact with many, many things already....Ah, you don't know, but I, too, am a Karamazov.What does it matter if you do laugh and make jokes, and at me, too? Go on laughing.I am so glad you do.You laugh like a little child, but you think like a martyr.""Like a martyr? How?"

"Yes, Lise, your question just now: whether we weren't showing contempt for that poor man by dissecting his soul- that was the question of a sufferer....You see, I don't know how to express it, but anyone who thinks of such questions is capable of suffering.

Sitting in your invalid chair you must have thought over many things already.""Alyosha, give me your hand.Why are you taking it away?" murmured Lise in a failing voice, weak with happiness."Listen, Alyosha.What will you wear when you come out of the monastery? What sort of suit?

Don't laugh, don't be angry, it's very, very important to me.""I haven't thought about the suit, Lise; But I'll wear whatever you like.""I should like you to have a dark blue velvet coat, a white pique waistcoat, and a soft grey felt hat....Tell me, did you believe that I didn't care for you when I said I didn't mean what I wrote?""No, I didn't believe it."