第68章

"Stay, Alexey, one more confession to you alone" cried Dmitri, suddenly turning back."Look at me.Look at me well.You see here, here- there's terrible disgrace in store for me." (As he said "here," Dmitri struck his chest with his fist with a strange air, as though the dishonour lay precisely on his chest, in some spot, in a pocket, perhaps, or hanging round his neck.) "You know me now, a scoundrel, an avowed scoundrel, but let me tell you that I've never done anything before and never shall again, anything that can compare in baseness with the dishonour which I bear now at this very minute on my breast, here, here, which will come to pass, though I'm perfectly free to stop it.I can stop it or carry it through, note that.Well, let me tell you, I shall carry it through.I shan't stop it.I told you everything just now, but I didn't tell you this, because even I had not brass enough for it.I can still pull up; if I do, I can give back the full half of my lost honour to-morrow.But Ishan't pull up.I shall carry out my base plan, and you can bear witness that I told so beforehand.Darkness and destruction! No need to explain.You'll find out in due time.The filthy back-alley and the she-devil.Good-bye.Don't pray for me, I'm not worth it.And there's no need, no need at all....I don't need it! Away!"And he suddenly retreated, this time finally.Alyosha went towards the monastery.

"What? I shall never see him again! What is he saying?" he wondered wildly."Why, I shall certainly see him to-morrow.I shall look him up.I shall make a point of it.What does he mean?"He went round the monastery, and crossed the pine-wood to the hermitage.The door was opened to him, though no one was admitted at that hour.There was a tremor in his heart as he went into Father Zossima's cell.

"Why, why, had he gone forth? Why had he sent him into the world? Here was peace.Here was holiness.But there was confusion, there was darkness in which one lost one's way and went astray at once...."In the cell he found the novice Porfiry and Father Paissy, who came every hour to inquire after Father Zossima.Alyosha learnt with alarm that he was getting worse and worse.Even his usual discourse with the brothers could not take place that day.As a rule every evening after service the monks flocked into Father Zossima's cell, and all confessed aloud their sins of the day, their sinful thoughts and temptations; even their disputes, if there had been any.Some confessed kneeling.The elder absolved, reconciled, exhorted, imposed penance, blessed, and dismissed them.It was against this general "confession" that the opponents of "elders" protested, maintaining that it was a profanation of the sacrament of confession, almost a sacrilege, though this was quite a different thing.They even represented to the diocesan authorities that such confessions attained no good object, but actually to a large extent led to sin and temptation.Many of the brothers disliked going to the elder, and went against their own will because everyone went, and for fear they should be accused of pride and rebellious ideas.

People said that some of the monks agreed beforehand, saying, "I'll confess I lost my temper with you this morning, and you confirm it,"simply in order to have something to say.Alyosha knew that this actually happened sometimes.He knew, too, that there were among the monks some who deep resented the fact that letters from relations were habitually taken to the elder, to be opened and read by him before those to whom they were addressed.

It was assumed, of course, that all this was done freely, and in good faith, by way of voluntary submission and salutary guidance.But, in fact, there was sometimes no little insincerity, and much that was false and strained in this practice.Yet the older and more experienced of the monks adhered to their opinion, arguing that "for those who have come within these walls sincerely seeking salvation, such obedience and sacrifice will certainly be salutary and of great benefit; those, on the other hand, who find it irksome, and repine, are no true monks, and have made a mistake in entering the monastery- their proper place is in the world.Even in the temple one cannot be safe from sin and the devil.So it was no good taking it too much into account.""He is weaker, a drowsiness has come over him," Father Paissy whispered to Alyosha, as he blessed him."It's difficult to rouse him.

And he must not be roused.He waked up for five minutes, sent his blessing to the brothers, and begged their prayers for him at night.