第245章
"Well, perhaps I am talking nonsense, I agree.I am awfully childish sometimes, and when I am pleased about anything I can't restrain myself and am ready to talk any stuff.But, I say, we are chattering away here about nothing, and that doctor has been a long time in there.But perhaps he's examining the mamma and that poor crippled Nina.I liked that Nina, you know.She whispered to me suddenly as I was coming away, 'Why didn't you come before?' And in such a voice, so reproachfully! I think she is awfully nice and pathetic.""Yes, yes! Well, you'll be coming often, you will see what she is like.It would do you a great deal of good to know people like that, to learn to value a great deal which you will find out from knowing these people," Alyosha observed warmly."That would have more effect on you than anything.""Oh, how I regret and blame myself for not having come sooner!"Kolya exclaimed, with bitter feeling.
"Yes, it's a great pity.You saw for yourself how delighted the poor child was to see you.And how he fretted for you to come!""Don't tell me! You make it worse! But it serves me right.What kept me from coming was my conceit, my egoistic vanity, and the beastly wilfulness, which I never can get rid of, though I've been struggling with it all my life.I see that now.I am a beast in lots of ways, Karamazov!""No, you have a charming nature, though it's been distorted, and Iquite understand why you have had such an influence on this generous, morbidly sensitive boy," Alyosha answered warmly.
"And you say that to me!" cried Kolya; "and would you believe it, I thought- I've thought several times since I've been here- that you despised me! If only you knew how I prize your opinion!""But are you really so sensitive? At your age! Would you believe it, just now, when you were telling your story, I thought, as Iwatched you, that you must be very sensitive!""You thought so? What an eye you've got, I say! I bet that was when I was talking about the goose.That was just when I was fancying you had a great contempt for me for being in such a hurry to show off, and for a moment I quite hated you for it, and began talking like a fool.Then I fancied- just now, here- when I said that if there were no God He would have to be invented, that I was in too great a hurry to display my knowledge, especially as I got that phrase out of a book.But I swear I wasn't showing off out of vanity, though I really don't know why.Because I was so pleased? Yes, I believe it was because I was so pleased...though it's perfectly disgraceful for anyone to be gushing directly they are pleased, I know that.But I am convinced now that you don't despise me; it was all my imagination.Oh, Karamazov, I am profoundly unhappy.I sometimes fancy all sorts of things, that everyone is laughing at me, the whole world, and then I feel ready to overturn the whole order of things.""And you worry everyone about you," smiled Alyosha.
"Yes, I worry everyone about me, especially my mother.
Karamazov, tell me, am I very ridiculous now?""Don't think about that, don't think of it at all!" cried Alyosha.
"And what does ridiculous mean? Isn't everyone constantly being or seeming ridiculous? Besides, nearly all clever people now are fearfully afraid of being ridiculous, and that makes them unhappy.All I am surprised at is that you should be feeling that so early, though I've observed it for some time past,, not only in you.Nowadays the very children have begun to suffer from it.It's almost a sort of insanity.The devil has taken the form of that vanity and entered into the whole generation; it's simply the devil," added Alyosha, without a trace of the smile that Kolya, staring at him, expected to see."You are like everyone else," said Alyosha, in conclusion, "that is, like very many others.Only you must not be like everybody else, that's all.""Even if everyone is like that?"
"Yes, even if everyone is like that.You be the only one not like it.You really are not like everyone else, here you are not ashamed to confess to something bad and even ridiculous.And who will admit so much in these days? No one.And people have even ceased to feel the impulse to self-criticism.Don't be like everyone else, even if you are the only one.""Splendid! I was not mistaken in you.You know how to console one.
Oh, how I have longed to know you, Karamazov! I've long been eager for this meeting.Can you really have thought about me, too? You said just now that you thought of me, too?""Yes, I'd heard of you and had thought of you, too...and if it's partly vanity that makes you ask, it doesn't matter.""Do you know, Karamazov, our talk has been like a declaration of love," said Kolya, in a bashful and melting voice."That's not ridiculous, is it?""Not at all ridiculous, and if it were, it wouldn't matter, because it's been a good thing." Alyosha smiled brightly.
"But do you know, Karamazov, you must admit that you are a little ashamed yourself, now....I see it by your eyes." Kolya smiled with a sort of sly happiness.
"Why ashamed?"
"Well, why are you blushing?"
"It was you made me blush," laughed Alyosha, and he really did blush."Oh, well, I am a little, goodness knows why, I don't know..."he muttered, almost embarrassed.
"Oh, how I love you and admire you at this moment just because you are rather ashamed! Because you are just like me," cried Kolya, in positive ecstasy.His cheeks glowed, his eyes beamed.
"You know, Kolya, you will be very unhappy in your life,"something made Alyosha say suddenly.
"I know, I know.How you know it all before hand!" Kolya agreed at once.
"But you will bless life on the whole, all the same.""Just so, hurrah! You are a prophet.Oh, we shall get on together, Karamazov! Do you know, what delights me most, is that you treat me quite like an equal.But we are not equals, no, we are not, you are better! But we shall get on.Do you know, all this last month, I've been saying to myself, 'Either we shall be friends at once, for ever, or we shall part enemies to the grave!'""And saying that, of course, you loved me," Alyosha laughed gaily.