第116章

For Awhile a Very Obscure OneAND Ivan, on parting from Alyosha, went home to Fyodor Pavlovitch's house.But, strange to say, he was overcome by insufferable depression, which grew greater at every step he took towards the house.There was nothing strange in his being depressed;what was strange was that Ivan could not have said what was the cause of it.He had often been depressed before, and there was nothing surprising at his feeling so at such a moment, when he had broken off with everything had brought him here, and was preparing that day to make a new start and enter upon a new, unknown future.He would again be as solitary as ever, and though he had great hopes, and great- too great- expectations from life, he could not have given any definite account of his hopes, his expectations, or even his desires.

Yet at that moment, though the apprehension of the new and unknown certainly found place in his heart, what was worrying him was something quite different."Is it loathing for my father's house?"he wondered."Quite likely; I am so sick of it; and though it's the last time I shall cross its hateful threshold, still I loathe it....

No, it's not that either.Is it the parting with Alyosha and the conversation I had with him? For so many years I've been silent with the whole world and not deigned to speak, and all of a sudden I reel off a rigmarole like that." certainly might have been the youthful vexation of youthful inexperience and vanity- vexation at having failed to express himself, especially with such a being as Alyosha, on whom his heart had certainly been reckoning.No doubt that came in, that vexation, it must have done indeed; but yet that was not it, that was not it either."I feel sick with depression and yet I can't tell what I want.Better not think, perhaps."Ivan tried "not to think," but that, too, was no use.What made his depression so vexatious and irritating was that it had a kind of casual, external character- he felt that.Some person or thing seemed to be standing out somewhere, just as something will sometimes obtrude itself upon the eye, and though one may be so busy with work or conversation that for a long time one does not notice it, yet it irritates and almost torments one till at last one realises, and removes the offending object, often quite a trifling and ridiculous one- some article left about in the wrong place, a handkerchief on the floor, a book not replaced on the shelf, and so on.

At last, feeling very cross and ill-humoured, Ivan arrived home, and suddenly, about fifteen paces from the garden gate, he guessed what was fretting and worrying him.

On a bench in the gateway the valet Smerdyakov was sitting enjoying the coolness of the evening, and at the first glance at him Ivan knew that the valet Smerdyakov was on his mind, and that it was this man that his soul loathed.It all dawned upon him suddenly and became clear.just before, when Alyosha had been telling him of his meeting with Smerdyakov, he had felt a sudden twinge of gloom and loathing, which had immediately stirred responsive anger in his heart.

Afterwards, as he talked, Smerdyakov had been forgotten for the time; but still he had been in his mind, and as soon as Ivan parted with Alyosha and was walking home, the forgotten sensation began to obtrude itself again."Is it possible that a miserable, contemptible creature like that can worry me so much?" he wondered, with insufferable irritation.

It was true that Ivan had come of late to feel an intense dislike for the man, especially during the last few days.He had even begun to notice in himself a growing feeling that was almost of hatred for the creature.Perhaps this hatred was accentuated by the fact that when Ivan first came to the neighbourhood he had felt quite differently.Then he had taken a marked interest in Smerdyakov, and had even thought him very original.He had encouraged him to talk to him, although he had always wondered at a certain incoherence, or rather restlessness, in his mind, and could not understand what it was that so continually and insistently worked upon the brain of "the contemplative." They discussed philosophical questions and even how there could have been light on the first day when the sun, moon, and stars were only created on the fourth day, and how that was to be understood.But Ivan soon saw that, though the sun, moon, and stars might be an interesting subject, yet that it was quite secondary to Smerdyakov, and that he was looking for something altogether different.In one way and another, he began to betray a boundless vanity, and a wounded vanity, too, and that Ivan disliked.It had first given rise to his aversion.Later on, there had been trouble in the house.Grushenka had come on the scene, and there had been the scandals with his brother Dmitri- they discussed that, too.But though Smerdyakov always talked of that with great excitement, it was impossible to discover what he desired to come of it.There was, in fact, something surprising in the illogicality and incoherence of some of his desires, accidentally betrayed and always vaguely expressed.Smerdyakov was always inquiring, putting certain indirect but obviously premeditated questions, but what his object was he did not explain, and usually at the most important moment he would break off and relapse into silence or pass to another subject.