第91章

There are some good voices in the choir to-day, but the orchestral accompaniment is unusually slight.Sometimes they introduce a full brass and string band in Church.Brigham Young says the devil has monopolized the good music long enough, and it is high time the Lord had a portion of it.Therefore trombones are tooted on Sundays in Utah as well as on other days; and there are some splendid musicians there.The Orchestra in Brigham Young's theatre is quite equal to any in Broadway.There is a youth in Salt Lake City (I forget his name) who plays the cornet like a North American angel.

Mr.Stenhouse relieves me of any anxiety I had felt in regard to having my swan-like throat cut by the Danites, but thinks my wholesale denunciation of a people I had never seen was rather hasty.The following is the paragraph to which the Saints objected.It occurs in an "Artemus Ward" paper on Brigham Young, written some years ago:

"I girded up my Lions and fled the Seen.I packt up my duds and left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Germorer, inhabited by as theavin' & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe."I had forgotten all about this, and as Elder Stenhouse read it to me "my feelings may be better imagined than described," to use language I think I have heard before.I pleaded, however, that it was a purely burlesque sketch, and that this strong paragraph should not be interpreted literally at all.The Elder didn't seem to see it in that light, but we parted pleasantly.

4.10.THE MOUNTAIN FEVER.

I go back to my hotel and go to bed, and I do not get up again for two weary weeks.I have the mountain fever (so called in Utah, though it closely resembles the old-style typhus) and my case is pronounced dangerous.I don't regard it so.I don't, in fact, regard anything.I am all right, MYSELF.My poor Hingston shakes his head sadly, and Dr.Williamson, from Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my throat.I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage known as jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands.I address large assemblages, who have somehow got into my room, and I charge Dr.Williamson with the murder of Luce, and Mr.Irwin, the actor, with the murder of Shakspeare.I have a lucid spell now and then, in one of which James Townsend, the landlord, enters.He whispers, but I hear what he says far too distinctly: "This man can have anything and everything he wants;but I'm no hand for a sick room.I NEVER COULD SEE ANYBODY DIE."That was cheering, I thought.The noble Californian, Jerome Davis -he of the celebrated ranch- sticks by me like a twin brother, although I fear that in my hot frenzy I more than once anathematised his kindly eyes.Nursers and watchers, Gentile and Mormon, volunteer their services in hoops and rare wines are sent to me from all over the city, which, if I can't drink, the venerable and excellent Thomas can, easy.

I lay there in this wild, broiling way for nearly two weeks, when one morning I woke up with my head clear and an immense plaster on my stomach.The plaster had OPERATED.I was so raw that I could by no means say to Dr.Williamson, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant".I wished he had lathed me before he plastered me.I was fearfully weak.I was frightfully thin.With either one of my legs you could have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe.My backbone had the appearance of a clothesline with a quantity of English walnuts strung upon it.My face was almost gone.My nose was so sharp that I didn't dare stick it into other people's business for fear it would stay there.But by borrowing my agent's overcoat I succeeded in producing a shadow.

....

I have been looking at Zion all day, and my feet are sore and my legs are weary.I go back to the Salt Lake House and have a talk with landlord Townsend about the State of Maine.He came from that bleak region, having skinned his infantile eyes in York county.He was at Nauvoo, and was forced to sell his entire property there for 50 dollars.He has thrived in Utah, however, and is much thought of by the Church.He is an Elder, and preaches occasionally.He has only two wives.I hear lately that he has sold his property for 25,000 dollars to Brigham Young, and gone to England to make converts.How impressive he may be as an expounder of the Mormon gospel, I don't know.His beefsteaks and chicken-pies, however, were first-rate.James and I talk about Maine, and cordially agree that so far as pine boards and horse-mackerel are concerned, it is equalled by few and excelled by none.There is no place like home, as Clara, the Maid of Milan, very justly observes; and while J.

Townsend would be unhappy in Maine, his heart evidently beats back there now and then.

I heard the love of home oddly illustrated in Oregon, one night, in a country bar-room.Some well-dressed men, in a state of strong drink, were boasting of their respective places of nativity.

"I," said one, "was born in Mississippi, where the sun ever shines and the magnolias bloom all the happy year round.""And I," said another, "was born in Kentucky--Kentucky, the home of impassioned oratory: the home of Clay, the State of splendid women, of gallant men!""And I," said another, "was born in Virginia, the home of Washington: the birthplace of statesmen: the State of chivalric deeds and noble hospitality!""And I," said a yellow-haired and sallow-faced man, who was not of this party at all, and who had been quietly smoking a short black pipe by the fire during their magnificent conversation--"and I was born in the garden-spot of America.""Where is that?" they said.

"SKEOUHEGAN, MAINE!" he replied; "kin I sell you a razor strop?"4.11."I AM HERE."

There is no mistake about that, and there is a good prospect of my staying here for some time to come.The snow is deep on the ground, and more is falling.

The Doctor looks glum, and speaks of his ill-starred countryman, of Sir.J.Franklin, who went to the Arctic once too much.