第54章

So with actors.We have seen people stay away from the theater because Mrs.Grundy said the star of the evening invariably retired to his couch in a state of extreme inebriety.If the star is afflicted with a weakness of this kind, we may regret it.We may pity or censure the star.But we must still acknowledge the star's genius, and applaud it.Hence we conclude that the chronic weakness of actors no more affects the question of the propriety of patronizing theatrical representations, than the profligacy of journeymen shoemakers affects the question of the propriety of wearing boots.All of which is respectfully submitted.

1.57.ROUGH BEGINNING OF THE HONEYMOON.

On last Friday morning an athletic young farmer in the town of Waynesburg took a fair girl, "all bathed in blushes," from her parents, and started for the first town across the Pennsylvania line to be married, where the ceremony could be performed without a license.The happy pair were accompanied by a sister of the girl, a tall, gaunt, and sharp-featured female of some thirty-seven summers.

The pair crossed the line, were married, and returned to Wellsville to pass the night.People at the hotel where the wedding party stopped observed that they conducted themselves in a rather singular manner.The husband would take his sister-in-law, the tall female aforesaid, into one corner of the parlor and talk earnestly to her gesticulating wildly the while.Then the tall female would "put her foot down" and talk to him in an angry and excited manner.Then the husband would take his fair young bride into a corner, but he could no sooner commence talking to her than the gaunt sister would rush in between them and angrily join in the conversation.The people at the hotel ascertained what all this meant about 9 o'clock that evening.There was an uproar in the room which had been assigned to the newly married couple.Female shrieks and masculine "swears"startled the people at the hotel, and they rushed to the spot.The gaunt female was pressing and kicking against the door of the room, and the newly-married man, mostly undressed, was barring her out with all his might.Occasionally she would kick the door far enough open to disclose the stalwart husband, in his Gentleman Greek Slave apparel.It appeared that the tall female insisted upon occupying the same room with the newly-wedded pair; that her sister was favorably disposed to the arrangement, and that the husband had agreed to it before the wedding took place, and was now indignantly repudiating the contract."Won't you go away now, Susan, peaceful?"said the newly-married man, softening his voice.

"No," said she, "I won't--so there!"

"Don't you budge an inch!" cried the married sister within the room.

"Now--now, Maria," said the young man to his wife, in a piteous tone, "don't go for to cuttin' up in this way; now don't!""I'll cut up's much I wanter!" she sharply replied.

"Well," roared the desperate man, throwing the door wide open and stalking out among the crowd, "well, jest you two wimin put on your duds and go right straight home and bring back the old man and woman, and your grandfather, who is nigh on to a hundred; bring 'em all here, AND I'LL MARRY THE WHOLE D--D CABOODLE OF 'EM AND WE'LLALL SLEEP TOGETHER!"

The difficulty was finally adjusted by the tall female taking a room alone.Wellsville is enjoying itself over the "sensation."1.58.A COLORED MAN OF THE NAME OF JEFFRIES.

One beautiful day last August, Mr.Elmer of East Cleveland, sent his hired colored man, of the name of Jeffries, to town with a two-horse wagon to get a load of lime.Mr.Elmer gave Jeffries 5 dollars with which to pay for the lime.The horses were excellent ones, by the way, nicely matched, and more than commonly fast.The colored man of the name of Jeffries came to town and drove to the Johnson Street Station where he encountered a frail young woman of the name of Jenkins, who had just been released from jail, where she had been confined for naughtical conduct (drugging and robbing a sailor).

"Will you fly with me, adorable Jenkins?" he unto her did say, "or words to that effect," and unto him in reply she did up and say:

"My African brother, I will.Spirit," she continued, alluding to a stone jug under the seat in the wagon, "I follow!" Then into the two-horse wagon this fair maiden got and knavely telling the "perlice," to embark by the first packet for an unromantic land where the climate is intensely tropical, and where even Laplanders, who like fire, get more of a good thing than they want--doing and saying thus the woman of the name of Jenkins mounted the seat with the colored man of the sweet name of Jeffries; and so these two sweet, gushing children of nature rode gaily away.Away towards the setting sun.Away towards Indiana--bright land of cheap whisky and corn doin's!

1.59.NAMES.

Any name which is suggestive of a joke, however poor the joke may be, is often a nuisance.We were once "confined" in a printing-office with a man named Snow.Everybody who came in was bound to have a joke about Snow.If it was Summer the mad wags would say we ought to be cold, for we had Snow there all the time--which was a fact, though we sometimes wished Snow was where he would speedily melt.Not that we didn't like Snow.Far from it.His name was what disgusted us.It was also once our misfortune to daily mingle with a man named Berry, we can't tell how many million times we heard him called Elderberry, Raspberry, Blueberry, Huckleberry, Gooseberry, &c.The thing nearly made him deranged.He joined the filibusters and has made energetic efforts to get shot but had not succeeded at last accounts, although we hear he has been "slewd"numerously.There is a good deal in a name, our usually correct friend W.Shakespeare to the contrary notwithstanding.