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"Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist queeriosity in the livin' world--a wild mare without no hair--captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns.Don't fail to see this gerrate exhibition.Only fifteen cents.Don't go hum without seein the State Fair, an' you won't see the State Fair without you see my show.Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small sum of fifteen cents."Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the usual courtesies to editors.He said he did, and requested them to go in.While they were in some sly dog told him their names.When they came out the showman pretended to talk with them, though he didn't say a word.They were evidently in a hurry.
"There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen say? They air editors--editors, gentleMEN--Mr.---, of the Cleveland ---, and Mr.
---, of the Detroit ---, and they say it is the gerratist show they ever seed in their born days!"[Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be seen when the showman concluded this speech.]
A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a gambling contrivance.Seeing two policemen approach, he rapidly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his table, and shouted:
"Ere's the only great show on the grounds! The highly trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and seventeen tails, captured in a well-fortified hencoop, after a desperate struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash!"The facetious wretch escaped.
A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white choker had a gift-enterprise concern."My friends," he solemnly said, "you will observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can give it away.No blanks, my friends--all prizes--and only fifty cents a chance.I don't make anything myself, my friends--all I get goes to aid a sick woman--my aunt in the country, gentlemen--and besides Ilike to see folks enjoy themselves!"
The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave countenance.
The man with the "wonderful calf with five legs and a huming head,"and "the philosophical lung-tester," were there.Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other ingenious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen from the rural districts of their spare change.
A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, which had been cut from his pocket by some thief.
"You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you-can't-fool-me look.
"I've been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan, and knows my bizniss aboard a propeller.Here's MY money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloons' pocket.
About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual rushing frantically around after a policeman.Somebody had adroitly relieved him of HIS money.In his search for a policeman he encountered the young man who wasn't smart.
"Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter; "by G--, I thought you was smart--I thought you'd been to the State Fair before."The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who wasn't smart confidentially toward him, said--"There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket--my MONEYis in my boot--they can't fool me--I'VE BEEN TO THE STATE FAIRBEFORE!!"
7.8.THE WIFE.
"Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swooned, nor uttered cry.
All her maidens, watching, said, 'She must weep, or she will die.'"The propriety of introducing a sad story like the following, in a book intended to be rather cheerful in its character, may be questioned; but it so beautifully illustrates the firmness of woman when grief and despair have taken possession of "the chambers of her heart," that we cannot refrain from relating it.
Lucy M-- loved with all the ardor of a fond and faithful wife, and when he upon whom she had so confidingly leaned was stolen from her by death, her friends and companions said Lucy would go mad.Ah, how little they knew her!
Gazing for the last time upon the clay-cold features of her departed husband, this young widow--beautiful even in her grief; so ethereal to look upon, and yet so firm!--looking for the last time upon the dear familiar face, now cold and still in death--oh, looking for the last, last time--she rapidly put on her bonnet, and thus addressed the sobbing gentlemen who were to act as pall-bearers:--"You pall-bearers, just go into the buttery and get some rum, and we'll start this man right along!"7.9.A JUVENILE COMPOSITION.
ON THE ELEPHANT.
The Elephant is the most largest Annymile in the whole world.He eats hay and kakes.You must not giv the Elephant Tobacker, becoz if you do he will stamp his grate big feet upon to you and kill you fatally Ded.Some folks thinks the Elephant is the most noblest Annymile in the world; but as for Me, giv Me the American Egil and the Stars & Stripes.Alexander Pottles, his Peace.
7.10.A POEM BY THE SAME.
SOME VERSES SUGGESTID BY 2 OF MY UNCLES.
Uncle Simon he Clum up a tree To see what he could see When presentlee Uncle Jim Clum beside of him And squatted down by he.
7.11.EAST SIDE THEATRICALS.