第109章

Indeed, he was quite right.Tho' so long ago all these drefful things happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept.Iwas so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown like that.He told me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the Jint Stock Bank, Iconclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch instid.

And so I left the Tower.It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful.I bid it adoo without a pang.

I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of a four-wheeler that I ever saw.He heaved a deep sigh as I gave him two shillings.

"I'll give you six d.'s more," I said, "if it hurts you so.""It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin groan, "it's only a way I have.My mind's upset to-day.I at one time tho't I'd drive you into the Thames.I've been readin in all the daily papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre, and my mind is totterin.It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into the Thames."I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good-bye.

And then I tho't what a frollicksome day I'd made of it.

Respectably, &c.

Artemus Ward.

5.7.SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.

MR.PUNCH, My dear Sir,--I was a little disapinted in not receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science Congress.

I don't exackly see how they go on without me.

I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood me from their deliberations.

Let it pars.I do not repine.Let us remember Homer.Twenty cities claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr.Homer couldn't have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of bitter beer, or words to that effect.

But perhaps it was a oversight.Certinly I have been hospitably rec'd in this country.Hospitality has been pored all over me.

At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks, which are nine miles along; and I don't remember a instance since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a Briton comin and perlitly shuttin the door for me, and then extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner possible.Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, welcum me to England? Doesn't he? Oh yes--I guess he doesn't he.And it's quite right among two great countries which speak the same langwidge, except as regards H's.And I've been allowed to walk round all the streets.Even at Buckinham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there, and he said I could walk round there.Iascertained subsequent that he referd to the sidewalk instid of the Pallis--but I couldn't doubt his hospital feelins.

I prepared a Essy on Animals to read before the Social Science meetins.It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have successfully wrastled with.I tackled it when only nineteen years old.At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Institoot entitled, "Is Cats to be Trusted?" Of the merits of that Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that "whether we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of it, and we hope it will be read in other towns."Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a more finisheder production than the one on Cats, which was wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a graceful and ellygant stile of composition.I could not even punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe with pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its beauty is in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms.This was unexcusable, and I'm surprised I did it.A writer who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop.

You shall hear this Essy on Animals.Some day when you have four hours to spare, I'll read it to you.I think you'll enjoy it.

Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest--omit all picturs in next week's "Punch," and do not let your contributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday; they can go to the British Mooseum;) and publish my Essy intire.It will fill all your collumes full, and create comment.Does this proposition strike you? Is it a go?"In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had intended it should be the closin attraction.I had intended it should finish the proceedins.I think it would have finished them.I understand animals better than any other class of human creatures.I have a very animal mind, and I've been identified with 'em doorin my entire professional career as a showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and serpunts.

The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into contack with.It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the case of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive manner.In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted pole, and for the purpuss of making him yell and kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over the head.

This would make the children inside the booth scream with fright, which would make fathers of families outside the booth very anxious to come in--because there is a large class of parents who have a uncontrollable passion for takin their children to places where they will stand a chance of being frightened to death.

One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which elissited a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, who said, "My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal.Rather fondle him.""I'll fondle him with a club," I anserd, hitting him another whack.