第106章

William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564.All the commentaters, Shaksperian scholars, etsetry, are agreed on this, which is about the only thing they are agreed on in regard to him, except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist MUCH.And there is no doubt if these commentaters and persons continner investigating Shakspeare's career, we shall not, in doo time, know anything about it at all.

When a mere lad little William attended the Grammar School, because, as he said, the Grammar School wouldn't attend him.

This remarkable remark, comin from one so young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there might be somethin in this lad.He subsequently wrote "Hamlet" and "George Barnwell." When his kind teacher went to London to accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan Railway, little William was chosen by his fellow pupils to deliver a farewell address.

"Go on, Sir," he said, "in a glorus career.Be like a eagle, and soar and the soarer you get the more we shall all be gratified!

That's so."

My young readers, who wish to know about Shakspeare, better get these vallyable remarks framed.

I returned to the hotel.Meetin a young married couple, they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Washington Irving used to keep?

"I've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord," said the lady.

"We've understood," said the young man, "that he busted up."I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away.They were from my country, and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty Ile well somewhere in Pennsylvany.It's a common thing, by the way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some mornin' and find ile squirtin all around his back yard.He sells out for 'normous price, and his children put on gorgeous harness and start on a tower to astonish people.They succeed in doin it.Meantime the Ile squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on.Let it roll.

A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the Red Horse.Every admirer of the great S.must go there once certinly; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equv'lent to sayin one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient tinker.

Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's "poems." Mr.C.had talent, but he couldn't spel.No man has a right to be a lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel.It is a pity that Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated.He's the wuss speller I know of.

I guess I'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is more mightier than the sword, but which I'm fraid would stand a rayther slim chance beside the needle gun.

Adoo! Adoo!

Artemus Ward.

5.5.IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.

MR.PUNCH, My dear Sir,--It is seldim that the Commercial relations between Great Britain and the United States is mar'd by Games.

It is Commerce after all, which will keep the two countries friendly to'ards each other rather than statesmen.

I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single speech was encored during the entire session.

Look at Congress--but no, I'd rather not look at Congress.

Entertainin this great regard for Commerce, "whose sales whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance he gets, Ilearn with disgust and surprise that a British subjeck bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when he arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass nothin but sawdust.

I should have instintly gone into the City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to condemn and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I hadn't learned at the same time that the draft given by the British subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawed onto a Bankin House in London which doesn't have a existance, but far otherwise, and never did.

There is those who larf at these things, but to me they merit rebooks and frowns.

With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim--who, as I've before stated, is a uncle by marrige only, who is a low cuss and filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin breakfast, given to him by my father, and made the clergyman as united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and when my father on discoverin' it got in a rage and denounced him, Uncle Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent) hadn't any idee of first class Humer!--with the exception of this wretched Uncle the escutchin of my fam'ly has never been stained by Games.The little harmless deceptions I resort to in my perfeshion I do not call Games.They are sacrifisses to Art.

I come of a very clever fam'ly.

The Wards is a very clever fam'ly indeed.

I believe we are descendid from the Puritins, who nobly fled from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody else from enjoyin HIS.

As I said before, we are a very clever fam'ly.

I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin what a clever fam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop-winders.

I've got some new close since you last saw me.I saw them others wouldn't do.They carrid the observer too far back into the dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum.The close I wear now I bo't of Mr.Moses, in the Commercial Road.They was expressly made, Mr.Moses inforemd me, for a nobleman, but as they fitted him too muchly, partic'ly the trows'rs (which is blue, with large red and white checks) he had said:

"My dear feller, make me some more, only mind--be sure you sell these to some genteel old feller."I like to saunter thro' Regent Street.The shops are pretty, and it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and French lasses do.

It's a mistake about everybody being out of town, I guess.

Regent Street is full.I'm here; and as I said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly.