第70章

When Mr.Foote was at Edinburgh,he thought fit to entertain a numerous Scotch company,with a great deal of coarse jocularity,at the expense of Dr.Johnson,imagining it would be acceptable.Ifelt this as not civil to me;but sat very patiently till he had exhausted his merriment on that subject;and then observed,that surely Johnson must be allowed to have some sterling wit,and that I had heard him say a very good thing of Mr.Foote himself.'Ah,my old friend Sam (cried Foote,)no man says better things;do let us have it.'Upon which I told the above story,which produced a very loud laugh from the company.But I never saw Foote so disconcerted.--BOSWELL.

BOSWELL.'What do you think of Dr.Young's Night Thoughts,Sir?'

JOHNSON.'Why,Sir,there are very fine things in them.'BOSWELL.

'Is there not less religion in the nation now,Sir,than there was formerly?'JOHNSON.'I don't know,Sir,that there is.'BOSWELL.

'For instance,there used to be a chaplain in every great family,which we do not find now.'JOHNSON.'Neither do you find any of the state servants,which great families used formerly to have.

There is a change of modes in the whole department of life.'

Next day,October 20,he appeared,for the only time I suppose in his life,as a witness in a Court of Justice,being called to give evidence to the character of Mr.Baretti,who having stabbed a man in the street,was arraigned at the Old Bailey for murder.Never did such a constellation of genius enlighten the aweful Sessions-House,emphatically called JUSTICE HALL;Mr.Burke,Mr.Garrick,Mr.Beauclerk,and Dr.Johnson:and undoubtedly their favourable testimony had due weight with the Court and Jury.Johnson gave his evidence in a slow,deliberate,and distinct manner,which was uncommonly impressive.It is well known that Mr.Baretti was acquitted.

On the 26th of October,we dined together at the Mitre tavern.Ifound fault with Foote for indulging his talent of ridicule at the expence of his visitors,which I colloquially termed making fools of his company.JOHNSON.'Why,Sir,when you go to see Foote,you do not go to see a saint:you go to see a man who will be entertained at your house,and then bring you on a publick stage;who will entertain you at his house,for the very purpose of bringing you on a publick stage.Sir,he does not make fools of his company;they whom he exposes are fools already:he only brings them into action.'

We went home to his house to tea.Mrs.Williams made it with sufficient dexterity,notwithstanding her blindness,though her manner of satisfying herself that the cups were full enough appeared to me a little aukward;for I fancied she put her finger down a certain way,till she felt the tea touch it.In my first elation at being allowed the privilege of attending Dr.Johnson at his late visits to this lady,which was like being e secretioribus consiliis,I willingly drank cup after cup,as if it had been the Heliconian spring.But as the charm of novelty went off,I grew more fastidious;and besides,I discovered that she was of a peevish temper.

Boswell afterwards learned that she felt the rising tea on the outside of the cup.--ED.

There was a pretty large circle this evening.Dr.Johnson was in very good humour,lively,and ready to talk upon all subjects.Mr.

Fergusson,the self-taught philosopher,told him of a new-invented machine which went without horses:a man who sat in it turned a handle,which worked a spring that drove it forward.'Then,Sir,(said Johnson,)what is gained is,the man has his choice whether he will move himself alone,or himself and the machine too.'

Dominicetti being mentioned,he would not allow him any merit.

'There is nothing in all this boasted system.No,Sir;medicated baths can be no better than warm water:their only effect can be that of tepid moisture.'One of the company took the other side,maintaining that medicines of various sorts,and some too of most powerful effect,are introduced into the human frame by the medium of the pores;and,therefore,when warm water is impregnated with salutiferous substances,it may produce great effects as a bath.

This appeared to me very satisfactory.Johnson did not answer it;but talking for victory,and determined to be master of the field,he had recourse to the device which Goldsmith imputed to him in the witty words of one of Cibber's comedies:'There is no arguing with Johnson;for when his pistol misses fire,he knocks you down with the butt end of it.'He turned to the gentleman,'well,Sir,go to Dominicetti,and get thyself fumigated;but be sure that the steam be directed to thy HEAD,for THAT is the PECCANT PART.'This produced a triumphant roar of laughter from the motley assembly of philosophers,printers,and dependents,male and female.

I know not how so whimsical a thought came into my mind,but Iasked,'If,Sir,you were shut up in a castle,and a newborn child with you,what would you do?'JOHNSON.'Why,Sir,I should not much like my company.'BOSWELL.'But would you take the trouble of rearing it?'He seemed,as may well be supposed,unwilling to pursue the subject:but upon my persevering in my question,replied,'Why yes,Sir,I would;but I must have all conveniencies.

If I had no garden,I would make a shed on the roof,and take it there for fresh air.I should feed it,and wash it much,and with warm water to please it,not with cold water to give it pain.'