第86章

"I cannot do that, Mr.Dalmain," said Nurse Rosemary, in a voice which shook a little."I have burned my hands.Oh, not seriously.Do not look so distressed.Just a lighted match.Yes; while I was blind.Now tell me the thing which touches you and me."Garth withdrew his hand and clasped both around his knee.He leaned back in his chair, his face turned upwards.There was upon it an expression so pure, the exaltation of a spirit so lifted above the temptations of the lower nature, that Jane's eyes filled with tears as she looked at him.She realised what his love for her, supplemented by the discipline of suffering, had done for her lover.

He began to speak softly, not turning towards her."Tell me," he said, "is he--very much to you?"Jane's eyes could not leave the dear face and figure in the chair.

Jane's emotion trembled in Nurse Rosemary's voice.

"He is all the world to me," she said.

"Does he love you as you deserve to be loved?"Jane bent and laid her lips on the table where his outstretched hand had rested.Then Nurse Rosemary answered: "He loved me far, FAR more than I ever deserved.""Why do you say 'loved'? Is not 'loves' the truer tense?""Alas, no!" said Nurse Rosemary, brokenly; "for I fear I have lost his love by my own mistrust of it and my own wrong-doing.""Never!" said Garth."'Love never faileth.' It may for a time appear to be dead, even buried.But the Easter morn soon dawns, and lo, Love ariseth! Love grieved, is like a bird with wet wings.It cannot fly; it cannot rise.It hops about upon the ground, chirping anxiously.But every flutter shakes away more drops; every moment in the sunshine is drying the tiny feathers; and very soon it soars to the tree top, all the better for the bath, which seemed to have robbed it of the power to rise.""Ah,--if my beloved could but dry his wings," murmured Nurse Rosemary."But I fear I did more than wet them.I clipped them.

Worse still,--I broke them."

"Does he know you feel yourself so in the wrong?" Garth asked the question very gently.

"No," replied Nurse Rosemary."He will give me no chance to explain, and no opportunity to tell him how he wrongs himself and me by the view he now takes of my conduct.""Poor girl!" said Garth in tones of sympathy and comprehension."My own experience has been such a tragedy that I can feel for those whose course of true love does not run smooth.But take my advice, Miss Gray.Write him a full confession.Keep nothing back.Tell him just how it all happened.Any man who truly loves would believe, accept your explanation, and be thankful.Only, I hope he would not come tearing up here and take you away from me!"Jane smiled through a mist of tears.

"If he wanted me, Mr.Dalmain, I should have to go to him," said Nurse Rosemary.

"How I dread the day," continued Garth, "when you will come and say to me: 'I have to go.' And, do you know, I have sometimes thought--you have done so much for me and become so much to me--I have sometimes thought--I can tell you frankly now--it might have seemed as if there were a very obvious way to try to keep you always.You are so immensely worthy of all a man could offer, of all the devotion a man could give.And because, to one so worthy, I never could have offered less than the best, I want to tell you that in my heart I hold shrined forever one beloved face.All others are gradually fading.Now, in my blindness, I can hardly recall clearly the many lovely faces I have painted and admired.All are more or less blurred and indistinct.But this one face grows clearer, thank God, as the darkness deepens.It will be with me through life, Ishall see it in death, THE FACE OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.You said 'loved' of your lover, hesitating to be sure of his present state of heart.I can neither say 'love' nor 'loved' of my beloved.She never loved me.But I love her with a love which makes it impossible for me to have any 'best' to offer to another woman.If I could bring myself, from unworthy motives and selfish desires, to ask another to wed me, I should do her an untold wrong.For her unseen face would be nothing to me; always that one and only face would be shining in my darkness.Her voice would be dear, only in so far as it reminded me of the voice of the woman I love.Dear friend, if you ever pray for me, pray that I may never be so base as to offer to any woman such a husk as marriage with me would mean.""But--" said Nurse Rosemary."She--she who has made it a husk for others; she who might have the finest of the wheat, the full corn in the ear, herself?""She," said Garth, "has refused it.It was neither fine enough nor full enough.It was not worthy.O my God, little girl--! What it means, to appear inadequate to the woman one loves!"Garth dropped his face between his hands with a groan.

Silence unbroken reigned in the library.

Suddenly Garth began to speak, low and quickly, without lifting his head.

"Now," he said, "now I feel it, just as I told Brand, and never so clearly before, excepting once, when I was alone.Ah, Miss Gray!

Don't move! Don't stir! But look all round the room and tell me whether you see anything.Look at the window.Look at the door.Lean forward and look behind the screen.I cannot believe we are alone.Iwill not believe it.I am being deceived in my blindness.And yet--Iam NOT deceived.I am conscious of the presence of the woman I love.

Her eyes are fixed upon me in pity, sorrow, and compassion.Her grief at my woe is so great that it almost enfolds me, as I had dreamed her love would do...O my God! She is so near--and it is so terrible, because I do not wish her near.I would sooner a thousand miles were between us--and I am certain there are not many yards!...Is it psychic? or is it actual? or am I going mad?...Miss Gray! YOU would not lie to me.No persuasion or bribery or confounded chicanery could induce YOU to deceive me on this point.Look around, for God's sake, and tell me! Are we alone?

And if not, WHO IS IN THE ROOM besides you and me?"Jane had been sitting with her arms folded upon the table, her yearning eyes fixed upon Garth's bowed head.When he wished her a thousand miles away she buried her face upon them.She was so near him that had Garth stretched out his right hand again, it would have touched the heavy coils of her soft hair.But Garth did not raise his head, and Jane still sat with her face buried.

There was silence in the library for a few moments after Garth's question and appeal.Then Jane lifted her face.

"There is no one in the room, Mr.Dalmain," said Nurse Rosemary, "but YOU--and ME."