第315章

`What do you mean by that?' she cried, looking with terror at the undisguised hatred in his whole face, and especially in his cruel, sinister eyes.

`I mean to say...' he was beginning, but he checked himself. `Imust ask what it is you want of me?'

`What I can want? All I can want is that you should not desert me, as you think of doing,' she said, understanding all he had not uttered.

`But that I don't want; that's secondary. I want love, and there is none.

So then, all is at an end.'

She turned toward the door.

`Stop! sto-op!' said Vronsky, with no change in the gloomy lines of his brows, though he held her by the hand. `What is it all about? Isaid that we must put off going for three days, and on that you told me I was lying, that I was not an honorable man.'

`Yes, and I repeat that the man who reproaches me with having sacrificed everything for me,' she said, recalling the words of a still earlier quarrel, `is worse than a dishonorable man - he's a heartless man.'

`Oh, there are limits to endurance!' he cried, and hastily let go her hand.

`He hates me, that's clear,' she thought, and in silence, without looking round, she walked with faltering steps out of the room. `He loves another woman, that's even clearer,' she said to herself as she went into her own room. `I want love, and there is none. So, then, all is at an end,'

she repeated the words she had said, `and it must be put to an end.'

`But how?' she asked herself, and she sat down in a low chair before the looking glass.

Thoughts of where she would go now, whether to the aunt who had brought her up, to Dolly, or simply alone, abroad, and of what he was doing now alone in his study; whether this was the final quarrel, or whether reconciliation were still possible; and of what all her old friends at Peterburg would say of her now; and of how Alexei Alexandrovich would look at it, and many other ideas of what would happen now after the rupture, came into her head; but she did not give herself up to them with all her heart. At the bottom of her heart was some obscure idea that alone interested her, but she could not get clear sight of it. Thinking once more of Alexei Alexandrovich, she recalled the time of her illness after her confinement, and the feeling which never left her at that time. `Why didn't I die?'

she recalled the words and the feeling of that time. And all at once she knew what was in her soul. Yes, it was that idea which alone solved all.

`Yes, to die!...'

`And the shame and disgrace of Alexei Alexandrovich and of Seriozha, and my awful shame - death will be the salvation of everything. To die!

And he will feel remorse; will be sorry; will love me; he will suffer on my account.' With a fixed smile of commiseration for herself she sat down in the armchair, taking off and putting on the rings on her left hand, vividly picturing from different sides his feelings after her death.

Approaching footsteps - his steps - distracted her attention.

As though absorbed in the arrangement of her rings, she did not even turn to him.

He went up to her, and taking her by the hand, said softly:

`Anna, we'll go the day after tomorrow, if you like. I agree to everything.'

She did not speak.

`What is it?' he urged.

`You know,' she said, and at the same instant, unable to restrain herself any longer, she burst into sobs.

`Cast me off - do!' - she articulated between her sobs. `I'll go away tomorrow.... I'll do more than that. What am I? A depraved woman!

A stone round your neck. I don't want to make you wretched; I don't want to! I'll set you free. You don't love me; you love someone else!'

Vronsky besought her to be calm, and declared that there was no trace of foundation for her jealousy; that he had never ceased, and never would cease, to love her; that he loved her more than ever.

`Anna, why distress yourself and me so?' he said to her, kissing her hands. There was tenderness now in his face, and she fancied she caught the sound of tears in his voice, and she felt them wet on her hand. And instantly Anna's despairing jealousy changed to a despairing passion of tenderness. She put her arms round him, and covered with kisses his head, his neck, his hands.

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TOLSTOY: Anna Karenina Part 7, Chapter 25[Previous Chapter] [Table of Contents] Chapter 25 Feeling that the reconciliation was complete, Anna set eagerly to work in the morning preparing for their departure. Though it was not settled whether they should go on Monday or Tuesday, as they had each given way to the other, Anna packed busily, feeling absolutely indifferent whether they went a day earlier or later. She was standing in her room over an open box, taking things out of it, when he came in to see her earlier than usual, dressed to go out.

`I'm going off at once to see maman; she can send me the money by Iegorov. And I shall be ready to go tomorrow,' he said.

Though she was in such a good mood, the mention of his visit to his mother's gave her a pang.

`No, I shan't be ready by then myself,' she said; and at once reflected, `so then it was possible to arrange to do as I wished.' - `No, do as you meant to do. Go into the dining room, I'm coming directly. It's only to turn out those things that aren't wanted,' she said, putting something more on the heap of frippery that lay in Annushka's arms.

Vronsky was eating his beefsteak when she came into the dining room.

`You wouldn't believe how distasteful these rooms have become to me,' she said, sitting down beside him to her coffee. `There's nothing more awful than these chambres garnies. There's no individuality in them, no soul. These clocks, and curtains, and, worst of all, the wallpapers - they're a nightmare. I think of Vozdvizhenskoe as the promised land.

You're not sending the horses off yet?'

`No, they will come after us. Where are you going to?'

`I wanted to go to Wilson's to take some dresses to her. So it's really to be tomorrow?' she said in a cheerful voice; but suddenly her face changed.