第7章 尴尬问答(1)
1 Two Tickets
"My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy the tickets： one to get in and one to get out."
两张票
“我丈夫长得特别丑，每次他去动物园都不得不买两张票：一张是进动物园的，另一张是出动物园的。”
2 Still in the Same Cemetery
A man asked an acquaintance how his wife was； then，suddenly remembering that she had died，she blurted out，"Still in the same cemetery？"
还在原来的墓地
一个人问一个熟人他的妻子过得怎么样；接着，突然想起她已经去世，就脱口问道：“她还在原来那个墓地吗？”
3 She Is Too Fat
Large lady： I’m very annoyed with that scale.
Friend： Why is that？
Large lady： When I stepped on it，it said，"One person at a time，please."
一个顶俩
胖女人：我对那台电子秤很恼火。
朋友：为什么？
胖女人：每次我站上面称体重时，它总是显示“一次请站一人”。
4 I’m Not Beating My Wife
"Why do you go on the balcony when I sing？Don’t you like to hear me？"
"It isn’t that.I want the neighbors to see that I’m not beating my wife."
我没打老婆
“我唱歌时，你为什么到阳台上去？难道你不喜欢听我唱歌吗？”
“不是这样，我想让邻居们知道我没有在打老婆。”
5 It’s a Mirror
A middle‐aged couple went to the gallery.The wife，who was nearsighted，stood before a big picture of a woman’s image and cried out，"Dear me，how could a woman be so ugly？"
"Don’t be so fussy."said the husband，"It’s not a picture，It’s a mirror！"
那是镜子
一对中年夫妇来到画廊。妻子是个近视眼，站在一张女人的肖像前，大声喊道：“天啊，天下竟有这样丑的女人！”
“别大惊小怪，”她的丈夫说，“那不是画，是镜子！”
6 Of Course
An old woman drove an old car to the crossroad.
A policeman put up his hand and blew his whistle.He came up to her and asked，"Madam，don’t you understand the meaning when I put up my hand？"
"Yes，of course，"answered the old woman."I have been a primary‐school teacher for forty years."
当然明白
一名老太太开着一辆旧车来到十字路口。
警察抬手示意，吹响口哨，来到她面前问：“太太，难道你不明白我扬起手臂是什么意思吗？”
“我当然明白，”老太太回答说，“我都当了四十年小学教师了。”
7 The Baldest Man
A colleague told me about the day he went to his highschool reunion，"My wife and I walked in the door，and a man I didn’t recognize started hugging me，saying how happy he was to see me.When I confessed that I didn’t know him.He said，‘I don’t know you either，but until you came I was the baldest man here！’"
最秃的人
一位同事给我说了他有一天去参加高中同学聚会的事儿：“我和妻子一走进门，一个我不认识的人上来就拥抱我，说他看到我非常高兴。我直言相告说我不认识他，他说：‘我也不认识你，但在你来之前，我是这里最秃的人！’”
8 Wish He Were
A big crowd were gathered outside a hotel where a famous millionaire died of a car accident.Among the crowd a young man apparently looked very sad.An old man who felt sympathy and said to the young man，"I understand you.I thought he was your relative.Am I right？"
"There lies the problem.He was not my relative at all."
但愿他是
一大群人聚集在一家旅馆外面。在那里，一个很有名的百万富翁刚刚因为车祸死了。人群中，一位男青年显得分外伤心。有个富有同情心的老人对他说：“我能理解你的心情，我想他是你的亲戚吧？”
年轻人说：“问题就在这里——他不是呀！”
9 The Smell Is Terrible
A man came to the police station and complained，"I have three brother-we all lived in one room.One of my brothers has six cats，another has five dogs，and the other has four goats.The smell is terrible.Can you do something about it？"
"Well，why don’t you open the windows？"asked the policeman.
"What？And lose all my birds？"
气味难闻
一位男子来到警察局抱怨道：“我有三个兄弟——我们都住在一间屋子里。其中一个兄弟养了六只猫，另一个喂了五条狗，还有一个养了四只山羊。气味儿难闻极了。您能给解决一下吗？”
“嗯，你为什么不把窗户打开呢？”警察问。
“什么？难道您要我把我的鸟都放走吗？”
10 The Same Father
A young mother enlisted the help of a friend in taking her infant identical twins to the doctor.Since the waiting area was full，the two women，each with a twin，were seated on opposite sides of the room.
After a few minutes someone commented，"It’s amazing how much those two babies look alike！"
The friend was quick to reply，"Well，they should，they have the same father."
同一个爸爸
一位年轻妈妈请一位朋友帮她把双胞胎抱去看医生。候诊区人很多，这两个女人便一人抱一个孩子分坐在候诊室两边。
过了一会儿，有人评论说：“真让人吃惊，这两个孩子长得多像！”
这位朋友很快答道：“噢，他们应该像，他们有同一个爸爸。”
11 Pay Me Double the Tuition Fee
A young man asked Socrates to teach him the technique of lecturing.To show that he was eloquent，the young man talked on and on about all irrelevant matters.
"You should pay me double the tuition fee."said Socrates.
"Why？Why should I pay double？"the young man said in surprise.
"Because，"Socrates said，"I must teach you two courses： one is how to close your mouth while the other is how to lecture."
付双倍学费
一个年轻人求苏格拉底教他演讲的技巧。为了显示自己口若悬河，这个年轻人话不切题滔滔不绝。
“你应该付给我双倍学费。”苏格拉底说。
“为什么？为什么我应该付双倍学费？”年轻人吃惊地问道。
“因为，”苏格拉底说，“我要教你两门课程：一门是如何闭嘴，另一门才是如何演讲。”
12 Churchill and Bernard Shaw
Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World Warll.He was a fat and short man.George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer.He was tall and lean.Both of them were humorists.
When they met at a reception，Churchill said to Shaw with a smile，"Mr.Shaw，when people see you，they must think there is a famine in our country."
"Yes，"said Bernard Shaw，"but they must think you are responsible for it."
丘吉尔和肖伯纳
丘吉尔是二战期间英国的首相，他是个又矮又胖的男人。肖伯纳是着名作家，又高又瘦。他们俩都是幽默诙谐的人。
一次，他们在一个招待会上碰面了。丘吉尔微笑着对肖伯纳说：“肖伯纳先生，人们看到您，一定会认为我们国家正在闹饥荒。”
“对，”肖伯纳回答，“但他们一定认为这是您造成的。”
13 Business Just Started
A young businessman had just started his own firm.He built a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.Sitting there，he saw a man come in to the outer office.Wishing to appear the hot shot，the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.Finally he hung up and asked the visitor，"Can I help you？"The man said，"Yeah，I’ve come to activate your phone lines."
事业刚起步
一个年轻商人刚刚创办了自己的公司，他建了一个装修特别华丽的办公室，还用古董装饰了一番。正坐着，他看见一个人走进了办公室。为了显示自己的成功，那个商人拿起电话，假装他正在谈一笔大生意。他张口闭口一堆天文数字，并夸下海口做了好多承诺。他终于挂了电话，对来的人说：“您有事吗？”来的人说：“是的，我是来帮你开通电话的。”
14 God’s Perfect Masterpiece
A butter‐tonsiled pastor is praising the greatness of the creator in a church.In the end，he asked his followers，"Who dares say there is one thing is not the most perfect masterpiece of the creator？"
Suddenly，a hunchback believer stood from the corner of the church slowly and asked the pastor，"In your opinion，what about my hunchback？"
Pastor told him thoughtlessly，"It is one of the most perfect hunchbacks I’ve ever seen，no matter in the curve or plastic，all God’s perfect masterpiece."