第5章 破茧的蝴蝶 (1)
Broken Butterfly Cocoon
上帝的意思就是让那个大肚子蝴蝶宝贝从那个奇小无比的小口爬出来，那个小窄口在它通过时把它体内的营养液从腹部挤压到翅膀，这样蝴蝶就可以在破茧而出、获得自由的时候展翅高飞了。
Forgiveness宽恕
To forgive may be divine， but no one ever said it was easy. When someone has deeply hurt you， it can be extremely difficult to let go of your grudge. But forgiveness is possible—and it can be surprisingly beneficial to your physical and mental health.
“People who forgive show less depression， anger and stress and more hopefulness，” says Frederic， Ph.D.， author of Forgive for Good. “So it can help save on the wear and tear on our organs， reduce the wearing out of the immune system and allow people to feel more vital.”
So how do you start the healing？ Try following these steps：
Calm yourself. To defuse your anger， try a simple stress-management technique. “Take a couple of breaths and think of something that gives you pleasure： a beautiful scene in nature， someone you love，” Frederic says.
Don’t wait for an apology. “Many times the person who hurt you has no intention of apologizing，” Frederic says. “They may have wanted to hurt you or they just don’t see things the same way. So if you wait for people to apologize， you could be waiting an awfully long time.” Keep in mind that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who upset you or condoning of his or her action.
Take the control away from your offender. Mentally replaying your hurt gives power to the person who caused you pain. “Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings， learn to look for the love， beauty and kindness around you，” Frederic says.
Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. If you empathize with that person， you may realize that he or she was acting out of ignorance， fear—even love. To gain perspective， you may want to write a letter to yourself from your offender’s point of view.
Recognize the benefits of forgiveness. Research has shown that people who forgive report more energy， better appetite and better sleep patterns.
Don’t forget to forgive yourself. “For some people， forgiving themselves is the biggest challenge，” Frederic says. “But it can rob you of your self-confidence if you don’t do it.”
宽恕是神圣的，但是没有人说很容易做到宽恕别人。当你被深深伤害的时候，想要不怀恨在心是很难做到的。但是宽恕是可能的——而且这会给你的身心健康带来出乎意料的益处。
《宽恕的好处》一书的作者弗雷德里克博士说。“懂得宽恕的人不会感到那么沮丧、愤怒和紧张，他们总是充满希望。所以宽恕有助于减少人体各种器官的损耗，降低免疫系统的疲劳程度并使人精力更加充沛。”
那么，如何恢复自己的情绪呢？试试下面的一些步骤吧：
让自己冷静下来。尝试一种简单的减压技巧来缓解你愤怒的情绪。弗雷德里克建议：”做几次深呼吸，然后想想那些令你快乐的事情，比如自然界的美丽景色，或者你爱的人。”
不要等别人来道歉。弗雷德里克说：“许多时候，伤害你的人没有想过要道歉。他们可能是故意的，也可能只是和你看待事物的方式不一样。所以如果你等着别人来道歉，你可能会等相当长的时间。”你要牢记，宽恕并不一定意味着顺从那些让你心烦意乱的人，也不意味着饶恕他或她的行为。
不要让冒犯你的人控制你的情绪。内心里总是想着自己的伤痛，只会给伤害你的人打气。弗雷德里克说：“与其老是关注自己受到的伤害，还不如学着去寻找你身边的真善美。”
试着从别人的角度来看问题。如果你站在别人的立场上，你也许会意识到他或她是因为无知、害怕、甚至是爱才那样做的。为了能够站在别人的角度来看问题，你可以从冒犯你的人的立场给你自己写一封信。
认识到宽恕的益处。研究表明懂得宽恕的人精力更旺盛、食欲更好、睡觉更香。
不要忘了宽恕自己。弗雷德里克说：“对于有些人来说，宽恕自己才是最大的挑战。但是如果你不宽恕自己，你会失去自信。”
Goethe’s Tolerance歌德的容忍
Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it， he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped， staring at each other. Then the critic said， “I’ll never make way for a fool.” “But I will，” with that Goethe retreated aside.
歌德有一次正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。”“可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。
Not to Blindly Accuse Others不要一味指责别人
How would you answer this question： I am out of my abuse and have moved on with my life. There is something that I have been wondering about. How and when does the abuse stop playing a significant part of my life？ I have seen others who have moved on and I would like to know how they did it.
The woman who asked this， asked a valid question. There are many men， women and children who no longer are victims， but feel like they cannot leave it behind. It stays as much a part of themselves as it did while they were being abused. The only difference may be there is no physical or emotional abuse happening in their worlds.
What is victim mentality？
A victim mentality is one where you blame everyone else for what happens in your world. (Another definition not as commonly used is one that says a person thinks the future only holds bad things for them.) If you do not get the promotion it is because Mr. Johnson was out to get you. Not because he found you playing on the Internet every day. Your best friend called and said she could not have dinner with you. She is always doing that to you； not showing. You’ll show her. You won’t invite her when you go out again！ Instead of remembering she has just started school and you did call her at the last minute. Victim mentality.
Recently I spoke with someone who no longer lives with a victim mentality. She has gone on with her life and is free from some of the extra baggage that come with being a victim. We discussed forgiving our abusers and how in that process you also need to forgive yourself. With that came loosing the victim mentality.
When she was living under the victim mentality she found herself angrier. She found herself swirling in a sea of resentment towards her abuser. She stayed locked in that cycle and never seemed to move forward. If she got sick， she became angry at him.； If the kids messed up， she became angry at him； He was no longer in the picture， but it was all his fault， It was not hers； he made things this way...Life is easier when you can play the blame game. The blame game makes it easy for your life not to move forward or for you to grow.